You Got the Wrong Job!

You got the wrong job if you are

...a wrestler who does not like to be touched
...a pilot who is afraid of heights
...an astronomer who has myopia
...a Doctor who faints at the sight of blood
...a gardner who is terrified of worms
...a gas station attendant who is allergic to the smell of petrol
...a stockbroker who isint good with numbers
...a call center employee who is hard of hearing
...a liftman who is claustrophobic
...a piano player who is tone deaf
...an Italian cook who cant stand garlic
...a plumber who hates the smell of shit
...a zookeeper who is allergic to animal hair
...a Politician who cant lie
...a judge who cant decide
...a bra salesman who is shy of women
...a govt employee who does not like Tea or Coffee breaks
...a taxi/auto driver who hates traffic jams
...a salesman who stammers
... a blind employee in a beauty parlor
...a housemaid who hates to take orders

Why did The Chicken Cross the Road?

Laloo : Because BJP on this side. And because somebody stole chicken fodder. This is scandal. He is looking that side for his fodder. I did not take it
Kalaam: I will ask u a counter question. Will u answer? Tell me! Tell me now!
Ekta Kapoor: Its daughter in law lives on the other side. So she is going to make amends. Saas bhi Kabhie bahu thi
Advani: It is an example of Muslim appeasement. The congress is on the other side tempting that muslim chicken with special favours
Buddhadeb Bhattacharya: Just because that chicken crossed the road the CPI(M) cadre cannot be blamed
Maneka Gandhi: That chicken has been forced to cross unescorted. It is a violation of animal rights
BCCI: We have issued a show cause notice. No chicken can cross without the board's permission
Agarkar: I still hold the record for the maximum ducks in a row. One chicken does not make a difference
Sidhu: If we dont prevent and prepare. We will repent and repair. That chicken is an example to us all. He is showing initiative! He maybe angry but he is not cross. He may cross but he is the boss. He....
Arjun Singh: We must have reservation. Between 9am to 5 Pm only SC/ST and OBC chickens can cross
Rakhi Sawant: I don't know but i did not kiss that chicken
Karan Johar: He came to collect this lovely hamper. When people win it on my show. Kuch kuch hota hai. Since its a chick u can't say im gay anymore
Mufti Mohammed Sayeed (Ex Cm J&K): See there is no army presence on the other side
Mirwaiz Umar Farooq: He was simply protesting for an independent Kashmir. We have to give kashmiri chickens more freedom. Indian governments attitude has always been 'Ghar ke murghi dal barabar!'
Pranab Mukherjee (when he was foreign minister): It shows the presence of a foreign hand. That chicken was a Pakistani infiltrator. There are training camps on the other side
Rahul Gandhi: If that chicken was a Gandhi it would not have crossed
Sachin Tendulkar: 17 years I have sacrificed for this game. I have never been accused of having a bad attitude. I have never been accused of crossing with a chicken
Greg Chappell (chappal): The seniors have formed a mafia and forced that chicken to cross

Obsession

I was a lonely lonely man
Searching searching
For lifes true meaning
Exploring exploring myself,
Plumbing the depths
where had i gone wrong?
why was i so miserable?
why did i feel so inadequate?

Then i met u
I talked and i talked
u made me smile and laugh
u gave me what i needed
an anchor into whom i could drop my soul
i looked into your eyes
i saw myself
For the first time in my life
i liked what i saw
Even though it was me!

U listened and u confided
U beleived and u comforted
U adored and u loved
U gave and u received
U felt and u made me feel
U giggled and u seduced
U cried and u laughed
U made me love
Oh how u made me love

That wondrous feeling
Oh that feeling of joy
That feeling of being alive

How I love to love

I felt like i could rule the world
That i could accomplish anything
I knew the meanng
The meaning of life
Every love song made sense
Every poem was beautiful
Life was a sonata
U gave me life
If i was with u
the world was lovely

Then u left
i wept
U said we couldint be together
I begged
U said it was impossible
I pleaded
I swore I would do anything
U cried
U refused

I still remember
When we made love
How your soft and smooth body
Would cling to me
How you made me feel like giving and giving
Till i heard those screams
Those screams of ecstacy
They still linger
In my head

Long after u have gone
I wake up in the middle of the night
I hear those screams
Im sweating and shaking
I need u next to me
But all i feel is the emptiness
So I cover my useless body
And curse God

Why? Oh Why Lord did u show her to me?
Why did u let me see what i was missing?

Before I was miserable
Before I was unhappy
But i did not know i was
Now I search and search
Cry and weep
Oh life is torture
Life is pain

Oh how those memories taunt me
Do u think of me?
Oh Lord stop this frustration
Have u found another?
Save me from this longing

Does lightning strike twice?
Will I ever love again?

Lets Teach her a Lesson!

Radha was a vain girl
She looked down on her friends
They did not know about love
She told them
You all live such compromised lives
You will settle for whatever you get
But not me
I am going to wait
I wont compromise
I will only love my dream man
Until he arrives I will wait
Unlike you all
Go all of you
Run to your parents
Go settle for trash
Or anyone else you find
You dont have the courage
The courage to wait
To wait for your true love
Thats why you will never know what true love means

Radha was in love with love.
All she cared about was love
She wrote love poems
She made handwritten cards
She bought flowers
And imagined they were from her 'dream' man

When was she going to find him?
Her dream man
He would be handsome
Oh so handsome
And tall
And his eyes would be so dreamy
She would drown in those eyes
And he would be so romantic
He would whisper sweet nothings to her
All the time
On the phone when she was at work
In her ears when they were at some function
In public and whenver they were together
He would paste love notes all over the house
On her pillow
On the refrigerator
In front of the commode (in the bathroom)
On the mirror
Everywhere
Oh he would be so charming
Everyone would envy her
'How did u bag a man like this one?',
They would ask her
'Give him to me!',
They would beg
But he would never look at another woman
'You are all I need',
He would whisper in her ears

My man!
When are u going to find me?

Her friends decided to play with her
'Lets have fun with Radha',
They said
She thinks we are such scum
But lets show her
We can play her game
Lets set her up!

She will like Rahul
Shruti's boyfriend
'Shruti, lets bring him to her
Radha doesint know hes engaged'
Shruti giggled in agreement
We can tell him what to do
If she falls for him in under 10 days
We will have huge April fool party
and reveal the game to her
If not we will admit defeat to her publicly

So they coached Rahul
Everyday Shruti and the girls sat with him
They told him what Radha liked
What she disiked
They told him what to wear
How to write her little notes
What flowers to send her
What to whisper in her ears
Then they invited him to meet Radha

Ten days later Radha was in love
Head over heels
'I have found my man!',
She gushed

They had a huge April Fool party
They called all their friends
'We have won',
The cake said
Radha had been taught a lesson

Shruti was all dressed up
Radha was to arrive at 9
They were all ready
Rahul also would arrive at 9
He had some engagement
They turned down the lights
They waited in pregnant silence
They couldint stifle their giggles
Radha was going to find out today
She had been tricked!
Love was not her exclusive territory
They knew more than she did
They would show her today
They could 'arrange' love

The door clicked
They all stood up
'SURPrise....
They stopped in shock
Rahul and Radha stood there kissing
Rahul was sheepish
'We were just engaged',
Radha told the shocked gathering
Why are you all here together?
What's the occasion?
Shruti Im so sorry
Rahul told me about your engagement
But he loves me now
We are getting married next week

Love Thy Enemy

He was the worst of them all. The others in the party were conservative too but not like him. He had taken hate to extremes. He hated infidelity. He hated westernization. He hated public display of affection. He hated Muslims. Period

There was no negotiation. He beleived what he beleived. To hell with anyone who dint share his views.

Muslims were divisive. They were the reason for disruption of the peace. They caused terrorism. They were the reason for everything wrong in this country. They had to be stopped

When the party supremo needed a communal riot he was the one they called. Sunil. He would throw pigs on mosques. Anything.

His hate was all pervasive. A deep unrepentant hatred. Even the other hardliners in the party were scared of him. How could anyone hate like that? They questioned. He hasint even met most of the Muslim people he hates.

What have Muslims done to him? Maybe he was harmed by a muslim when he was young. They speculated

But Sunil was untouchable. Because he was successful. We won the election because of him. They whispered

Even the Supremo was afraid of him. Infidilety was banned he would roar. That is gora culture. Not ours. Those debaucherers. Men should not speak to women before marriage.Women should not dress provocatively and Valentines day is western


'Premarital Sex is sacrilege. Anyone found indulging in Intercaste marriages would be beheaded', Sunil thundered to anyone who would listen

People from different sections of society should remain separated for harmony he pontificated. Mixing will cause disruption. Disruption was dangerous to society. Mixing between religions or castes could not be allowed

We need a homogenious society. So we can all live in peace. Each caste and religion have to stay within their own ranks!

He would fight tooth and nail for this ideal society he swore foaming at the mouth

He destroyed shops selling Valentines day cards. He destroyed pubs where bar girls danced. He destroyed American establishments. (they were the cause for young people doing outrageous acts like holding hands or girls wearing short skirts). Why did we need hamburgers and pizzas when we had wholesome Indian food?

He revelled in the fact that he had killed more muslims than anyone else. He boasted that he had seen a Muslim burn before his very eyes. ' His eyes bulged and he exploded', he bragged

Even the Supremo was afraid of him. One day he stormed into the Supremos office. He was cheating on his wife. With a gora woman. No less. The Supremo did not have the courage to tell him to mind his own business. I will stop it immediately, the Supremo assured Sunil

Sunil was out of control. He was more than opinionated. He had become a law unto himself

One day he went to a muslim slum to see what damage he could do. He had heard reports of nefarious activity there. Everyone trembled and ran at the sight of him. Except one girl. Fatima

Fatima was innocent and brave. She stood her ground. Sunil saw her and stared

He had never seen anyone like her.

'Who are you?', he thundered

'Fatima', she said softly

He left in a huff

'Why have u left , Sir?', his aides asked. 'We are here to destroy something. Anything'

'Shutup!', he screamed

He could not forget her. Fatima. Those big beautiful eyes. Looking at him in curiosity. Not even fear like everyone else. Everynight he thought of her. Why had she stayed there? Why dint she run away like the others?

He went there again. Alone

'Where is Fatima?', he asked a girl he saw

When he saw her again he had the same feeling of exhilaration. he invited her to see him in the city

When her father asked her what Sunil the devil had told her she lied. Nothing she said. But she felt a strange feeling inside her. Her father told her that he was the worst specimen of humankind. That he was a scourge on the face of the land. But for some strange reason she dint care

She went to meet him

They began to meet regularly. Fatima excited him. She made him feel like he had never felt before. He couldint get enough of those lips, those eyes, her gentle laughter, her smile that he knew did not come out often

They travelled together. She made him do things he had never done before. She did things with him she had never thought of doing with anyone else

He travelled with her in disguise. She made him feel feelings he had never felt before. He experienced emotions he had never experienced before. And so did she

He went to the Supremo. The news had already filtered through. Sunil the evil devil was having an affair. With a Muslim woman

'I am resigning. I am married. But I am having an affair with a Muslim woman. I do not deserve to be in my position. I have violated every principle I have lived for in this party. I am going to change'

The Supremo was silent. Then he laughed. And laughed. And everyone laughed with him

'Sunil. You have been an example to us all. But now u have proved to be human. Let me tell you something. None of us really hate muslims. We cannot. Since we have not even mixed with them. We do not even know most of them. But we have to hate them. For business reasons. Our party follows the theory of divide and rule. The more we anger the Hindus who are the majority the more Hindu votes we will get. We tried to tell you. But you would not listen to us. You need not leave. Have your mistress. We dont mind at all'

'No Saheb. You dont understand. I am divorcing my wife. I am marrying Fatima. I cannot remain in a senior postion in our party with a Muslim wife. Hence I have to leave'

As Sunil left everyone thought the same thing. He had transferred the same passion of his hatred to his love for Fatima. The dreaded Sunil was now their enemy number one. Everyone shivered

A Chatroom Incident

Gopal was an addict. A chat addict. When he woke up he went to the chatrooms.

He hated real life. He could not relate to people.He felt ugly and rejected. He hated himself

He could however be somebody else in chatrooms

The chatrooms were a seductive place. They allowed him to live. They allowed him to be who he wanted to be. They took him to a fantasy world. He felt powerful in chatrooms. He could be anyone he chose to be. Anyone other than himself

One day he went to is favorite chatroom. He began to chat. He was using the handle 'Superman'. He met a girl. Loreanna

He chatted with Loreanna for a couple of days. She was single. She was from London. He told her he was from London too. He asked her to talk about herself and found out she was crazy about Soccer.

On the third day he asked her if she wanted to meet a famous Soccer player. Loreanna asked him who he was talking about

Superman: Have u heard of David Johnson? The Soccer Player?
Loreanna: No I havent
Superman: Well he is one of the up and coming stars of Manchester United
Loreanna: Why do u ask?
Superman: He is in the chatroom
Loreanna: Where?
Superman: Do u see the guy called Johnny? Thats him
Loreanna: Do u know him?
Superman: Well hes a friend of my brother. He introduced me a while ago. Do u want to meet him?
Loreanna: I donno
Superman: Wait let me ask him. He can be a jerk sometimes. He has so many girls fawning over him

Gopal has created the handle 'Johnny' himself and comes back after a minute

Superman: Ok Loreanna. He seems to be lonely. He said ok. Try to talk to him and see
Loreanna (to Johnny): Hiiiii! My name is Loreanna! Super told me to talk to you. Is it true? Are u in Manchester United????
Johnny: Hey. Yeah its true. Why? U like Soccer?
Loreanna: Oh my God ! I love Soccer! I watch all the games. I live and die Soccer!
Johnny: Cool. What do u do?
Loreanna: I am a secretary for Ladbrokes
Johnny: What do u look like?

Next Gopal found out what her phone number was, called her and agreed to meet her in London. He had practiced British accents and could fool anyone. But of course being in India he never showed for the date

Gopal wanted to see the effect of the rejection on Loreanna. So the next day he was there in the same chatroom again

Superman: Hi Loreanna! How did it go?
Loreanna: It dint
Superman: Why? What happened?
Loreanna: He asked me out and dint show
Superman: What a jerk!

Gopal comforted her and learned more about Loreanna's interests and hobbies. He was getting closer to her and found out she was unhappy at work. and would love to get out of London. Two days later he talked to her again

Superman: Hi Loreanna! Long time no see! How u doin?
Loreanna: Im ok. How bout u?
Superman: I just met such a great guy. U just have to meet him Hes from Portugal. He is just your type!
Loreanna: I donno. I cant do this anymore
Superman: No No try this guy. U will love him

Gopal has created another handle Portaprince

Superman: Hes this guy called Portaprince ok? I am asking him to talk to you
Loreanna: Uh huh

Portaprince: Hi Loreanna. Super just insists I talk to U. Let me just tell u about myself. I run a recruitment firm in Portugal. What about u? What do u do?
Loreanna: I work in Ladbrokes as a secretary. Recruitment huh? Do u recruit secretaries?
Portaprince: Secretaries? Of Course. Thats our bread and butter. Would u like to work in Portugal? The pay is better here. The hours are shorter than in England I can guarantee u
Loreanna: Oh How nice! I would love to get out of London!
Portaprince: Oh Portugal is a lovely change from London. U will just love it! Send me your pic and resume and Ill process it and see what I can get for u ok?
Loreanna: Oh my God Ok. Let me do it right now. Im so excited!

Loreanna sends her pic and resume. Gopal is stunned. She is beautiful

Suddenly Gopal is curious. He wants to see what she thinks of him. Maybe he isint that bad looking after all.

Portaprince: Loreanna u are the prettiest woman ive seen n along time! I am sure it will be real easy to place u. Let me send u my pic just so u know what i llok like. Did Super tell u I was from India?
Loreanna: No. But I love Indians. My grandfather lived in Calcutta long ago!

Gopal sends his pic (one where he looked better than he looked in real life) and prays she likes it

Portaprince: Loreanna? Did u get my pic?
Loreanna: No But I gotta go. Ill see it later ok?

Gopal is intrigued by why she left so quickly

Next day he cant supress his curiosity. He returns to the chatroom

Superman:Loreanna! How was he?
Loreanna: He was ok
Superman: Just ok? Did he tell u he had his own business and all?
Loreanna: Yeah. He runs a recruitment business. He took my resume and said he would find me something in Portugal
Superman: Did u send him your pic?
Loreanna: Yeah and he sent me his too
Superman: So? What did he look like?
Loreanna: Well hes ok. I guess
Superman: Oh cmon. Tell me the truth. What did u really think?
Loreanna: Well u want to know the truth?
Superman: Sure
Loreanna: I donno how else to say this but he is the ugliest guy I have ever seen. Butt ugly. Jeez! How can any guy be that ugly?

Gopal slumped to the floor. Never to chat again

Am I welcome Here?

Many Indians have moved to the USA. Some have moved back to India. Those Indians always have a nagging worry on what was the right thing to do

I was in the USA for 5 years. Then i decided one day to move back to India. I started a construction company. I'm doing quite well. But i always wonder if I would have done better if I had stayed back in the USA. What are the plus points of each country?

I remember once I was driving around with a white friend of mine searching for an address. It was a remote part of town where there were no cars at all. We were in what felt like private property. I accidentally went down a small road and promptly heard the dreaded whistle of a police car behind me. I stopped immediately and the policeman came up to my window and asked me for my drivers license and registration. Which i handed him. I asked him what the problem was. He said it was a one way street. I asked him where the sign was. He pointed to to a sign that was half hidden by the branch of a tree. I pointed out to him that the sign was hidden from view. He said it was my responsibility to know the law. And proceeded to write out a ticket. Suddenly my white friend interrupted. He said 'We couldn't see the sign Officer' . The minute the white policeman saw my white friend he stopped. 'You with this gentleman?', he asked. 'Yes', replied my friend. 'Okay. Be careful next time', he replied and went away without giving me a ticket.

Another time in my office there were two of us who had to be given green cards. One was a white Russian Engineer and myself. Both of our green cards were processed and he was given his green card. But mine was delayed. For several months I was told there was some 'processing' problem. I finally quit in a huff and after i quit they offered the green card to me. But it was too late. I had decided to come back to India.

When I returned I felt an unfair advantage for having studied in the USA. Everyone respected me. Just last week I was told by a customer that he was 'grateful' that I had decided to come back! My business is doing well. However I have the nasty headaches of having to deal with Sales Tax and other government officials. Bribes are commonplace. Roads are terrible. The people are friendly. Clubs are plentiful. Opportunities abound. Girls look you in the eye here.

But I used to regret coming back till i remembered the story of the two salesmen who were sent to this remote island to sell shoes. First one wrote back.
' Dont send shoes. No one wears shoes here'
Second one wired back ' Send all stocks. No one wears shoes here!'
Its all in ones point of view. I grew up here. I understand the people here. Im at home here despite everything. I write letters join action groups and try to change things. And most importantly i recognise the potential of this country. There are so many things we havent thought of here that are passe in the USA. U can be a hero here. There all u can be is an 'also ran' And who wants to work there an enrich their coffers when I can do the same here and increase my own and the countrys.
The first play i did got a quarter page review. Cant dream of that in the good ol USA. I manufacture products that noone else manufactures. Cant do that there either. I hire people without worrying if I will go broke doing so and do esoteric research 'because i can afford it'. Nopes not possible there.
So i wire back to those in the USA 'Come back to India' Noone wears shoes here!'

Cruel Cruel World

He screamed in agony. Why God ? Why?



Ever since he was young it was the same. He was way too shy. He was way too ugly. There was always something wrong with him. He remembered his school days. He could NEVER talk to any girl. Okay no girl ever tried to talk to him either. He was in a boys school. None of his friends seemed that obsessed with talking to girls. They all seemed so happy in their studies. Damn nerds. So only he had this problem.



‘How the hell does one meet girls?’. he asked himself. One day he was passing by the ‘Alliance Francaise’ and saw a lot of pretty girls coming out or going in. He went the next day to ask what they were all doing there. ‘Learning French’, he was told by a boy he asked. so he enrolled for a beginners course. He had a tough time convincing his father for the money but he was quite persuasive when it was required. At least with his parents.



Soon he found himself a fish out of water there. Everybody seemed to know each other. He just couldn’t get into any of the groups. ‘God’, why did you have to make me so damn ugly?’, he agonised. ‘Why can’t I just have the guts? God please give me the guts or at least the personality!’, he screamed that night weeping into his pillow.



The next day he went as usual to his French class and a girl came up to him. His heart was pounding. ‘Oh God! Thank You!’, then he cautioned himself. ‘Don’t blow this.’

‘Do you have yesterdays homework?’, she asked. He froze. He couldn’t speak. She was so pretty! He mumbled something. ‘I am such an idiot!’, he yelled at himself. Throughout the class his mind was a whirl. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t swallow. ‘I could have said this or I could have said that! Oh God! Why dint I say something?. The first girl who ever talked to me!'



Nothing ever came of his French class. ‘I am going to die a virgin’, he told himself. ‘That is God’s plan for me .Or else he would have made me slightly good looking or forced some girl to talk to me. Just one opportunity. That’s all I need. One opportunity. So many damn girls in this country. All Im asking for is one to talk to me!’ he pleaded. 'I am not going to marry just to get a girl!, he swore to God



Several years later he finished college. Of course he had to go into Engineering like all his nerdy school classmates. Not a single girl in his class. Of course. ‘Screw them all’, he thought. There must be something else he could think about. But no. He couldint. They were everywhere. Each one prettier than the next. Talking to everyone but him. ‘Why God Why? , he screamed, ‘At least make me asexual. Don’t give me so much desire without the ability to do something about it!’

One day he met a an old classmate of his who was a model. 'You know a lot of women Rajiv. Can you introduce me to someone', he asked desperately. He got a call from Rajiv's sister that same evening. 'My brother told me all about you', she said sexily ,'There's a girlfriend of mine waiting here. She says she has to meet you.'. He thanked God and rushed to Rajiv's house. His heart was pounding in excitement. There was a little girl about 4 years old there. 'Say hi Basant!, Rajiv's sister said when he entered. Everyone burst out laughing seeing his expression. He cursed all of them. He cursed God. 'May they all die a miserable death', he wished


‘Okay, he decided, ‘I will go the USA. There must be something possible there. Look at all those movies. The girls go up and talk to the boys there. They don’t wait for idiots like me to grow up. They grow the idiots up.’ So he studied for GRE and GMAT. Any exam that would take him to the USA. Away from this failure. Away from his inadequacies. He looked at the prospectus. ‘Which College would have the most number of girls? There were only three states in the USA with more men than women.’ He had a good chance!



At last he got his acceptance letter from an american University. He had a scholarship! He was going to the USA! What would it be like? Would he succeed? Would he meet someone who would make him a man? He had been accepted to EngineeringCollege. He could not contain his excitement



He reached his university. So many girls everywhere! Just like the movies. When he entered his class the first day he noticed it was the same. No girls. There were only guys in his class. ‘What is this? I came all the way for this? Why God? Why did you do this to me?’ , he wailed in agony. 'Why does everyone in India have to study Engineering when there are no girls in Engineering?

In his first class he met his classmate Robert. 'Hey you want to come to a night club?, Robert asked. 'Of course', Basant replied. The Night club was crawling with women. 'Have I reached heaven ?', he wondered. Robert said 'Just ask any of them to dance'. He asked a girl to dance and began to dance! Basant couldint beleive his eyes. He asked a girl standing near him to dance. 'No thanks', she replied and walked away. He asked twenty six more girls that night. None of them agreed to dance with him. He walked home tears streaming down his face. The rejection hurt every pore of his body. 'Why God Why ', he demanded, 'Why do you make me a man and treat me like a dog?'


Next day he was told he was wanted by the Dean. He had to work for his Teaching assistantship. He had to grade papers. His professor gave him the papers with the answers and told him to grade them after showing him some examples. He graded all the papers diligently. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. He now had an office.

It was a girl! He swallowed. ‘Yes’, he asked. ‘Iam Jackie Murphy. Are you grading our papers?’, she asked sexily.’ Thank You God. Thank You!. Over the next few weeks Jackie visited him regularly. She asked him so many questions and wrote the answers in front of him. He could see right down her dress at times. He was in heaven. He gave her the best grades. She had delivered him from misery. She was going to make him a man. She was his angel


His first term was ending .He and Jackie Murphy had gone out a few times. She had allowed him to hold her hand. Or rather she had held his hand. His hand tingled at her touch. A female touch. He was in delirium. 'I have to kiss her. I have to kiss her', he thought greedily. The next day evening when he went up to her dorm he pulled her to him and forced her to kiss him. She screamed in anger but dint seem too upset. He had kissed a girl! He had done it! At last

‘God is kind’, he thought. ‘Sorry for all the mean things I said to you Oh God’



The last day of the semester had arrived. He went to College a spring in his step. He had kissed a girl! There was a note from the Dean. ‘He wants to raise my salary’, he thought jokingly, 'or maybe he wants to learn my technique! Mr Girl Kisser!'. As he entered the Dean’s office he felt tense. There was something wrong. The dean’s face was grim.

‘ Do you know Jackie Murphy?’, he asked. ‘Yes. Did something happen to her?
‘She has filed sexual molestation charges against you. Her grades are unusually high for this class. You could face disciplinary action or be forced to quit your job’

Ravana! Ten Heads and One big Heart

The sweet sound of victory…The audience applauding. The accolades after the performance.The myriad voices shouting ‘Bravo!’. I used to win that competition. I used to…3 years in a row. The National Piano Maestro Competition. The most prestigious piano competition in India. I could never win it again....
Hi! My name is Ravana. Life with ten heads is tough. Since I was young I
always felt life was a burden. My mother always complained. She had to buy ten feeding bottles at a time. Breast feeding me was near impossible ( as you can imagine). Burping me holding ten heads at once wasint easy. My brother Kumbakarna always joked that when I burped after meals it sounded like a concerto of frogs! We needed eight maids at all times. Brushing my teeth was a nightmare. I had ten heads but only two hands! I could never decide whether to go left to right or vice versa. Combing my hair was no easier. My barber always complained that one head wanted to look like Laloo and another like Abdul Kalaam.

Yes my heads had opinions of their own. At night I couldint sleep because if one head wanted to turn the other did not. All the kids made fun of me at school. They called me names. They called me TENzing because I liked mountain climbing .They were mean. So went to the movies alone bought ten tickets and sat in the back row. Night clubs were too expensive . They charged One Hundred Rupees per head!

But things were not all bad. In summer I worked in a call center and made a lot of money since I could talk to ten people at once. And I never failed at school since I could read ten books at once. I was also a whiz at Quiz. I was the school champion at all the Inter School festivals. However I became a star after I learned to play the piano. Head 3 took to the piano like a duck to water. I began to win every competition. Then Head 8 began to play chess. In under a year I was seeded fourth in Karnataka. Success was getting to my heads ( so to speak). Then I got this letter from the USA. It was an all expense paid invitation to play at an International Piano Competetion. I was going to the U.S.A ! Maybe I could meet Kasparov....

New York was everything I dreamed it would be. The flight there was my most memorable experience. I had to get 10 seats of course. And keep the air sickness bags pinned to the seats in front of each head. Just in case. And wear adult diapers. (My heads wouldn’t fit in those tiny airplane bathrooms ) But I could watch all the movies on the flight. At the same time! One of the privileges of having 10 heads. But I had to walk sideways down the aisles . I discovered all the good looking girls seemed to sit in the center aisle. One girl made eyes at me. But then I found out she was just looking for her glasses. I was never very good with girls. Finally we landed in New York.

Immigration was hell. The guy at the counter asked for 10 visas and 10
passports! And insisted on interviewing each head! I couldn’t convince him that one couldn’t be a terrorist if the other was’int. When the ordeal ended I went into New York City.

New York City! One cabbie almost drove onto the sidewalk looking at me! Everywhere I had to listen to funny oneliners like 'Hey do they call you the Talking Heads?’, ' I couldn’t hire you in my company. U would be too much Overheads!', 'Do they have Heads Crossing Signs where you live?’, 'When your in Love do u fall Heads over heels?!’. And sometimes they were actually funny.

That’s where I met Gita. Let me explain. Like I said before I was never very popular with girls. They were always afraid of me. One girl told me it was tough making eye contact! But still I liked girls. I had this strange dream where Im kissing 10 girls at once. I have never told anyone about that dream until now. But girls never liked me. Until……………………Gita.

She was my opponent. She lived in Bangalore too. I noticed she kept staring. At first I thought I was mistaken. Then after the Quiz she came to talk to me. And asked for my phone number! No girl had ever asked me for my phone number. She called that evening. We began to date. She always insisted on talking to each head when she phoned me. One minute for each. Head 3 always tried to talk longer. ( He thought she liked him more). Head 8 however refused to speak to Gita. I saw a problem developing.

You see Heads 3 and 8 were always a little smarter than the others. We all accepted that. But at one college festival during a debate I realized things were much more serious than I thought. It was no longer just an occasional disagreement. Then one day something happened that made me feel like my whole world was collapsing around me.....

I was participating in a debate. Head 3 was speaking for the motion. The
topic was `Did India need a 2 Party System?’ One of the debaters had heard about the difference of opinion between Heads 3 and 8. So he decided to take advantage. He addressed Head 8 instead of Head 3. ` What do you think Head 8’, he asked. Head 8 began to speak out of turn.! He spoke AGAINST the motion. I was supposed to speak FOR the motion! 'Freedom means no restrictions ', he said , 'If we limit the number of parties we are restricting freedom.'. He went on and on. We lost of course.

Two groups began to form. One for Head 3 and the other for Head 8. Head 3 liked Chinese. Head 8 liked Dosas. Head 3 liked Politics. Head 8 liked Ethics. Always opposites! But we were like a coalition government. We had to follow rules. We had to agree to disagree. Unless we were able to do that we would never be able to live together peacefully. Without consensus we were as good as dead. Things were spiralling downhill. Until one day Kumbakarna suggested a therapist he knew. For someone who sleeps most of the time he sure knows a lot of people.

The therapist said only the head she talked to was to reply. No
interruptions. And she then talked to each head. I could see what she was doing. She was establishing points of commonality. Making us see the common good. United we stand. Divided we fall. I talked and talked. How much I needed this. To get it all off my chest. I told her everything. I told her about my difficulty with girls. She smiled when I told her about Gita. She made notes as I talked. Then I began to talk about marriage and the disputes between the Heads. Suddenly all heads seemed to go crazy . They were all talking at once. My hands were out of control. I felt myself reaching for the paper cutter. Head 3 was trying to gouge out Head 8’s eyes! I couldn’t take this anymore. I ran out of the room.

I got into my car. It was a special car. The steering was in the middle. I
wasint allowed to drive over 60. I was driving way too fast. All the heads
were fighting. This was the end. But I didn’t care. If we couldn’t get along
we were going to die anyway. The speedometer was clocking 100. Then 120.

Suddenly a truck appeared out of nowhere. Last thing I remember I hit a
tree. Head on.

I woke up in the Hospital. The therapist was there. Kumbakarna was there. He squeezed my hand.

'Are u OK ?' , he asked.

' I followed you all the way’, the therapist said. 'I pulled u out of the
car just in time.'

All of a sudden it struck me. I couldn’t feel Heads 3 and 8.

'We had to disable them ', she said, ' There was no other way'.

' Go away' , I said hopelessly, ' Just go.'

Gita still kisses Heads 3 and 8 every night. She refuses to accept that they are gone. I don’t make as much money in call centers anymore. Ok Its just a little bit less. But Head 8 was so good with the British. We could have worked things out. They would have come around. Heads 3 and 8. They would have understood. They would have. I m sure. Oh how I miss the sweet sound of 'Bravo'..........

How do we get the Police to register more FIRs?

Everytime you talk to a senior Politician or Policeperson he boasts that the number of FIRs filed have reduced or hardly grown. Usually less than population growth. We all know this is ridiculous. But the Police are hired and transferred by the politicians. So they are indebted to them. The politicians need to say that crime has reduced or hardly increased. So they tell the Police to register fewer FIRs.

This puts less pressure on them to solve crimes. Especially those for which no FIRs have been filed. Like Nithari. Where 30 kids went missing without a single complaint being filed! Why search for a kid when her parents havent complained?

This has got to stop.

Police have to be removed from the shackles of the Politicians. They have to be encouraged to file more FIRs.

How can this be done?

Why not Incentives? When corporate India wants more sales it gives the salespersons incentives. The Police have to be corporatised. Police have to be rewarded for solving crimes. 5-10% of loot recovered have to be given as rewards. Each conviction has to be rewarded. Promotions have to be based on number of crimes solved by policemen. Not on recomendation by Politicians. The media will co-operate by publishing the names of Top Cops

If we dont change this system this country will become a den of thieves and a haven for criminals.

Private Cities - Is there any other option?

We see the municipal corporations destroying and making of mess of cities all over the country. The politicians have taken over the municipal corporations. Once the politicians take over it is the first sign of total disaster

But what is the solution? If we dont solve the miserable infrastructure in our cities quality of life will continue to deteriorate. It will take us hours to reach our destinations, people will suffer without water,sanitation and basic human dignity. No country's people can survive this onslaught of apathy.

The media has revolutinised the judiciary by making them accountable. Now it is time for them to do the same thing by being the watchdog for our passage into the future. We cannot survive if things are left to our politicians. Election funding will always be the excuse to steal municiapal expenditure and ruin our cities

First of all let us acknowledge that the American system has become predominantly the most successful system our world has seen. Most nobel prizes, best infrastructure, most number of inventions, most opportunity.. . They have it all. More people immigrate to the USA than any other country in the world. But how did they achive this? By privatisation of most essential services, strong judiciary and the rule of law

Look at Russia. They were the only competitor for the spot of World Power until they totally collapsed. Gorbachev started the change but Yeltsin only speeded it up. We need our own Yeltsin to speed up change in this country. Privatise faster or be thrown to ruin by our 'election funding' hungry politicians

We need to fund elections from the public exchequer and remove all major institutions from the control of the politicians. The police, judiciary, city municipal corporations, roads, ports, and all businesses like steel, aluminium etc

Private cities have to be set up by leading private enterpreneurs like the Ambanis, Infosys, Tatas, Birlas etc. Their reputations will be on the line and they will not accept bribes to bypass regulations. Wide roads, water, Sanitation, underground public transport will be built well and charged for

Can we proceed into the future if we are in the stranglehold of politicians? Let our new cities be like the best cities around the world

The Dharmapuri Verdict - The maturing of our democracy?

Finally we get a verdict against political workers.But could it have been done without the media? However it has been achieved this verdit says one thing. We are slowly maturing as a democracy.

The completely outrageous Jessica Lal verdict started it all. The judiciary did not change themselves to get better justice. It was the media that did it. The media helped galvanise public opinion and woke up a numb public.

The public has been conditioned by the politicians and the bureaucracy that nothing can be done. About corruption, blatantly criminal politicians who get away with murder by threatening witnesses.

Now it is time to change the system to ensure this can be stopped forever. Strenghthen the hands of witnesses. Offer them protection and huge penalties for those threatening them (which go directly to the witneses who are threatened to encourage them to report threats)

All witness statements should be videotaped immediately after the event and should be acceptable by the court. Thereafter there will be no point in threatening the witnesses as the court will accept the statements made immediately after the event only.

Prof Sabharwals case will be the next milestone in the effort by the country to cleanse the system and proceed towards maturity

Kudos to the media. They deserve all the credit. It is no coincidence that it is the private media and not doordarshan that has spearheaded this transformation of our society. We need to privatise this country much much faster to stand a chance in the world of today

Bandh - Does it make sense as a form of protest?

Gandhiji launched the idea of Satyagraha and non cooperation as a means of protest. It was a way to prevent the British from enjoying the profits that arose out of Indian effort. So if Indians did not work in protest the British would suffer.

Nowadays we still practice 'Noncooperation' as a means of protest. But who are we making suffer? Recently there was a 'total' Bandh in the State of Karnataka. The Kannadigas were supposedly protesting the unfair decision of the Cauvery tribunal. There were rough calculations showing the loss to the state of approximately 500 Crore. Who is losing this money? The Kannadigas themselves! So is the concept of Bandh that one cuts off one's nose to spite one's face?

Everyone inferred that the people were behind the protest. But the truth is that there is coercion. Whenever there is a need to show that the Bandh has been successful men roam the streets preventing people from going to work. What kind of forced protest is this?

How do people come to know of Bandhs? Through the media of course.Does the media have a responsiblity to society? Why does the media report bandhs? Why cant there be a rule that the media does not report a call for a bandh? People who call for bandhs are obviously not working for the best interest of the people. The media cares about what is in the best interest of the people. They live off the people. So should they report what can be used by nefarious interests against the people?

Cauvery Tribunal Decision - A solution to avoid bitterness

After the Finance Minister delivers the budget he answers questions. After the Reserve Bank Governor renders his Credit Policy he answers questions posed by the media. How come the tribunal has not done the same? The people of Karnataka are so agitated. On the face of it the decision looks partial to Tamilnadu. But obviously the writers of a 5 volume report have taken all aspects into consideration. They should explain their decision to the people. And avoid all this agitation

Why not do as Dr Pronoy Roy does after election results? He gives graphics showing the number of seats in the Lok Sabha occupied by each party. The tribunal or media should show graphics showing the number of hectares of agricultural land serviced by the river in each state. Then show how the distribution of water is not unfair to Karnataka. And explain the distress formula and how it would ensure both states are benefitted equally. The farmer has to be taken into confidence.

Karnataka claims Tamilnadu farmers get the North East Monsoon which they dont get. And they benefit from Cauvery Water. Tamilnadu claims Karnataka has an advantage with Cauvery in their backyard.

The solution is to have an association of Farmers from all three states affected by the Cauvery. An association will protect farmers from the vagaries of the monsoon. It can act as an insurance against crop failure. Every farmer contributes 5% of his produce in good years to the association. The resulting fund created will help farmers in distress years.

There could be a monitoring comitee to decide the extent of compensation offered to the distressed farmers. The extent of compensation provided will be proportional to the amount contributed in good years and to the number of hectares under cultivation and to the extent of distress in the area. Farmers can help themselves and solve the water dispute peacefully. Farmer suicides can be avoided all over India if the association is extended to an all India basis.

Let the Cauvery Dispute result in a solution acceptable to all

Tata Corus Deal - India can do it

India has blasted onto the global scene with the Tata Corus Deal. Ratan Tata has made an Indian company the 5th largest producer of steel in the world. This is very important for a number of reasons. We Indians are so used to Indians losing on the Worldstage. Starting with Indian Cricket, Sania Mirza, the list goes on and on, Indians have always been 'also ran'. Indian businessmen will hopefully start showing that India can win on a global scale. Not just because IT has done India proud but because India can run a global company better than anyone else.

The downside maybe that India and China are the Worlds fastest growing markets. The world is coming to India to benefit from this fast growth. An Indian company going to Europe where there is slow growth may not sound like smart business. But one must think that this is high value steel. Corus sells steel to the most sophisticated customers in the world in Europe. Tata can emulate the quality required by these customers and follow the same quality standards in India. This will reduce Indian imports. All new expansion for Corus will be done at a lower cost in India.

Gradually Tata can make Corus the 2nd or 3rd largest player in the steel Industry by using low cost Indian manufactured steel at the same quality.

Tata needs to use any downturn in the steel Industry to consolidate in India and gradually shift all new manufacturing to India. Corus will not allow replacement of Corus steel manufacturing in India. But in a downturn there will be no choice but to downsize.

Tata steel can expand in fast growing markets with the Corus quality manufactured in India. An Indian Company can make this deal work by strategic management.

Shame on the sceptics. An aggressive Tata group can show the rest of India the way into the future for Indian Industry

Mirwaiz Farooq - Smart or A betrayer?

Mirwaiz Farooq is a smart young Kashmiri leader. He understands that the one thing people want in general is fulfillment

To get fulfillment people need jobs and a sense of purpose and a future. A future the kashmiris will get if they join the software revolution with India. Taking advantage of Indias newfound power in the world. A readymade solution for the disenfranchised Kashmiris

India has the power to pour jobs into Kashmir. To keep Kashmiris gainfully employed. To give them a sense of purpose and fulfillment

This cannot be achieved by accepting Pakistani militants. This cannot be achieved by militancy at all. The violent method as a solution to any kind of problem has been destroyed by the Al Quaeda.

To be like the AL Quaeda is now an insult to civilization. Muslims are generally criticised for being a supplier for Al Quaeda. Even though most of them have nothing to do with Al Quaeda

Mirwaiz has seen this injustice. He wants the best for muslims in Kashmir. He has proved that young leaders are the way of the future. He has chosen the path of jobs and development. Hopefully he will never go back to the pointless path of war as a solution. Lets us wait and see

Shilpa Shetty - WIll she survive after the exit of Jade Goody?

Shilpa Shetty was a victim of her own countrys paranoia about racism. Now that Jade Goody who has survived by making 'controlled' controversial statements is out will she survive?

Jade Goody is used to the limelight. She thrives in the limelight. She knows how to handle fame.

Shilpa Shetty however is a stranger to controversy. She has been taught to avoid controversy. She has been taught to be 'nice'

TV audiences are bored by such people. People like Shila Shetty. People who do not have the guts to be controversial. People who would rather be loved than famous

Jade Goody has earned over 8 million pounds from being controversial. And interesting.
From goading innocent media like those in India. By carefully placed controversial statements. The Indian media and people do not have a clue that they are being taken for a ride.

Will Shilpa Shetty have a chance of getting another season at Big Brother without her nemesis Jade Goody?

Only time will tell

Shilpa Shetty - Disgraceful behavior- by Indians!

Shilpa Shetty has been paid a rumored 60 Lakhs to be humiliated by a couple of very average British women. The reason she was paid more than Jermaine Jackson (Michael Jackson's brother) is because she agreed to be humiliated whilst he didint.

Now look at the reaction in India. The media jumps on the story for ratings of course. (Feeding on the inferiority complex Indians have when it comes to whites) But look at the Indian politicians! The public holds rallies to protest a rich girl doing what she was paid to do? The people protesting are the same people who are humiliated everyday!

Just the recent past has examples of humiliation in our own country. For example when the villagers of Nithari were humiliated by the police in Noida.(By not even registering their complaints) When the Dalits are humiliated by the upper castes everyday all over India. When the poor are humiliated by the rich in Singur by Mamata Banerjee (denying them the chance to get jobs in a big company).

Where was everyone's indignation then? Where were all these self righteous people then?

When the people of Kolkata protested against George Bush and called him a dog (what a welcome!). When the Palestinians danced in the streets after 911. When the Iraqis put a doormat with Bushs photograph at the Hotel AL Rashid in Baghdad so everyone would step on him. Did the Americans hold protests? Did the British protest?

Why dint they protest?

Because they were far above these people. Thats why.

The British people calling Shilpa Shetty names are very average people who will do anything they are paid for. Jade Goody (not so 'goody goody' really) who has called Shilpa Shetty names has received 8 million dollars for the show so far. If she stops calling people names she will lose that money. This show was her meal ticket. Thanks to the Indian media she has rocketed to fame. We will be forced to hear a lot more from her.

Shilpa Shetty has just sealed her own fate with this one act. She will move from a largely average actress to fame and fortune. Not for her superior acting abilities but thanks to Jade Goody. She will raise her price and make pots of money.

The media has received the highest ratings for this unnecessary controversy. So everyone has exploited the Indian Inferiority complex vis a vis white people for personal gain.

Maybe this will teach the average Indian a lesson. Dont get taken for a ride by the media and vested interests.

When we protest in the streets and involve our politicians we are showing how small we really are. That we are affected by what an average uneducated British woman on the street says about an actress . An actress who has been paid to appear in the show.

Is it that easy to make money? The promoters of the show definitely knew they would get huge ratings from the Indian public should they do this. Or else they would not have paid her so much money. And the Indian media and public fell for it

All I have to do is to get Mallika Sherawat to be insulted by a street dog in Britain. The ratings will make me an overnite millionaire

We need to grow up. We are no longer the poor starving people of yesteryear. We are a proud nation. We cannot react to any nonsense the media goad us with. Even if the perpetrators are white.

Even if they ruled us once upon a time.

And let the media react the same way next time a cop insults a dalit. Even when the dalits' child is not one of 30 who have been beheaded by a serial killer.

Nithari, Mukstar. Reasons why serial killers are running rampage all of a sudden

Nithari, Mukstar and who knows where next? But what is going on? Why are serial killers surfacing suddenly? What is provoking them? Why now?
India has a large bubbling problem. It has been around for the last two decades. Growing gradually. Threatening disaster. Now it has reached proportions where it is affecting society. It will only get worse. It may be the single worst problem we face in the future. The solution is not going to be quick. It is not even an India specific problem. China and Korea suffer from this problem too. So it will affect the entire world.

It is the female to male ratio.

India has 911 females to every 1000 females. In some states it is less than 900. This is a staggering statistic and very worrisome. It is even worse than our population problem.
Action has to be taken immediately to reverse this. But what kind of action?

The female child has got to be celebrated. Banning abortion of female foetuses may be too drastic but should be considered. Strictest checks on Ultrasound clinics should be mandatory. Income tax raids on Ultrasound operators and entrapment should be mandatory. They should not be allowed to destroy our society.

This is not a problem we can take lightly. China, Korea and India and any other country facing this problem have to meet to discuss this specific issue. This will be a worldwide issue very shortly since India, China and Korea have a huge percentage of the world population.

Why do women abort female foetuses? This problem should be discussed threadbare. Dowry given by males to get brides will soon become commonplace. This should be allowed. Then the abortion of female foetuses will be stopped

These may be radical views but should be discussed. This problem has been swept under the carpet too long. Or else we will have a hundred more Nitharis and Mukstars

Singur - Just how stupid is Mamata Banerjee?

West Bengal one of the lowest per capita incomes in the country. Next only to Bihar. The bengalis are some of the smartest people in the country. But they have to leave the state in droves to get jobs. Because unfortunately all these years they elected the communists to rule over them.

Bihar has little governance. West Bengal has too much. The bengalis are embarassed to be in the same boat as Bihar. After all they are so smart. With all their literacy and discussions. But they couldint admit they had made a mistake by electing the communists all these years. So they elected Buddhadeb to be their chief minister.

Buddhadeb Bhatacharya is a closet capitalist. A spy in the ranks of the commies. And he as at the top! He beleives in capitalism. He beleives in private Industry. Most of all he beleives West Bengal should get out of the boat they share with Bihar.

Mamata Bannerjee is the only opposition the communists have in West Bengal. But she forgot that 'opposition' means that you have to offer an alternative to the 'Status Quo'. So instead of differentiating herself from the communists who were ruining West Bengal all these years she did the opposite. She became more like them than they were!

When she was railway minister she ruined the railways. She refused to raise fares. She raised frieght rates which were already too high. Since freight was used by the rich but fares were for the poor. So the companies that used railway freight started using the roads for transport. The railways ran out of money. Accidents increased. Since they did not have the money for maintenance. All thanks to Mamata.

Then Laloo came along. He ran the railways better than she did! How could a man who has ruined his own state run the railways better than Mamata?

The role of the opposition is to prove that you have better ideas than the ruling party. Every time the ruling party makes a mistake you say you would NEVER have done that. But while Bengal was burning all these years poor Mamata Banerjee never thought of advocating capitalism. Seems simple one would think. Ruling party communist. West Bengal poor. Let me try capitalism. But Mamata Banerjee is defintely not one of the smart ones.

Mamata actually beleived the communists were winning elections because they were communist. Even after Buddha came and showed that he was more capitalist than any communist! Is Mamata Banerjee really that stupid? Let me demonstrate

West Bengalis are salivating for jobs. They are fed up of leaving the state to get good jobs. Who wants to leave home if you dont have to? So they love Buddha.
Buddha knows why they like him. Because hes a capitalist!

So Buddha invites private Industry to Bihar. West Bengal hasint got an Industrial project in a long long time. Who wants to do private business in a communist state? But Big Business knows Buddha is a spy. He told them. They know how many votes he got in the last election. And they know the bengalis love their spy. After all the Bengalis are too embarassed to admit they made a mistake. They supported the communists for too long after land reforms were over. But their only other option was Mamata. And she was more communist than the communists!

So they elected Buddha and the communists again. In resounding numbers. But Buddha made a mistake. He thought he was still communist.( Who can blame him? Hes surrounded by communists) He took land from farmers. That is the communist way. They think they are dictators.

He should have allowed farmers to form associations. Then invite bids from farmers associations. The lowest bid gets to sell the land to the Tatas. It would have been their offer. Not his demand.

Mamata Banerjee saw his mistake. But unfortunately she is Mamata Banerjee. She did not know how to take advantage of it. She did not propose any alternate solution. She still thinks Buddha is a commie. And she has to be more commie. She thinks she is like an athlete and has to run faster than the other competitors. She forgot that in politics you have to run the other way around! She never remembers that she is the opposition. And the opposition has to be different and not offer more of the same.

Many of Buddhas colleagues are real communists. They oppose private Industry. But they are in a quandary. If they protest they are in the same boat as Mamata. But she is the opposition. What do they do?

Finally there is the poor Bengali people. The Bengalis are hopping mad. Will this be their last chance to get jobs? 'Why is Mamata behaving like a communist?', they scream! Will they have to sit and watch as the rest of the country progresses? Mamata is stopping their only chance for progress! She is stopping their favorite spy, Buddha's efforts to deliver them out of the mess they are in. So they are sure to vote out Mamata Banerjee.

Poor Mamata Bannerjee. Will she get any votes at all in the next election? Maybe a few from the old guard communists. Or she may become smart. Maybe she will get a brain transplant!

Youtube - The Gandhi Video - Is censorship productive?

The Gandhi video on Youtube has galvanised the government. They wish to ban Youtube if they do not remove the offending video. But is this sensible? There are several video sites waiting to get attention. If you ban something on one site you have just created a huge ipportunity for another. They will air the video and get a lot of visitors. In addition you have given the video a lot of free publicity. In todays world where advertising pays for the internet publicity is key. If you get publicity you get an audience. If you get an audience you have the advertisers. Simple.
So wouldint the best way to handle the Gandhi video be to avoid giving it free publicity? Censorship is a powerful weapon. It can be used wisely in rare cases. When could it be justified?

One must always remember that banning something gives it free publicity. Salman Rushdie would not be as famous as he is today without the Ayatollahs fatwa.

Society in general has proved over the years to be quite discerning. Take countries where there is no censorship. Have you ever heard of something awful becoming popular? Lage Raho Munnabhai was a huge hit. But if you try the offensive version of Gandhigiri I can assure you it will not get such a big audience.

People need to hear a new insight. A new point of view that highlights the truth. They will not tolerate lies. Give people credit. The only censorship that is worthwhile is not to let children who cannot make up their own minds view things that could pollute their little developing minds. But then they already get to see so much nonsense on TV. Smart parents dont allow children too much TV

But what about malicious propoganda? Should someone who deliberately tries to inflame communal tensions or motivate people to violence not be censored? Under that guideline people like Praveen Togadia of the VHP and several other people should be banned from speaking in public. But even if someone violent tries to encourage violence against another the law should take its own course. If it is proved that someones speech encouraged someones death the severest of punishment should apply. But then our courts should work well. Our people should be gainfully employed and literate.

Politicians have tried with food and liquor to sway the electorate. They figure that people are uneducated and poor and can be bought . Some of them think that an uneducated populace is easier to persuade. Especially since they have the money to sway them with enticements. But election after election has shown rich and corrupt politicians being voted out of office. Even the poorest and most uneducated people are no longer impressed by election day gifts. This is a sign of the maturity of our democracy. Of our people. They do not need people telling them what they can do and what thay cannot do. Leave them alone. Educate them. We wont need any censorship. Let freedom ring

Lashkar E Taiba in India - Why do countries support terrorism?

There are several reasons to support terrorism. America supported terrorists in Iraq when they wanted to drive the Russians out. They did it without indulging in an all out war. But it backfired and they ended up creating a monster. Bin Laden.
The number of troops they would have lost if they had fought the war themselves would have been less than the total toll of 9/11 and the Iraq war. And worldwide terrorism would not be a fact of life today

India supported terrorists in Sri Lanka. We ended up losing Rajiv Gandhi and several thousand of our soldiers. Was that worth it?

Pakistan and Saudi Arabia have been supporting terrorists. Saudi Arabia with funds. But Pakistan is the stupidest country of all. They allow terrorists to train in their own country! There are more PhDs in Pakistan in Islamic studies than science or any other branch of learning. It is easier to find a jihadi than an accountant!
Why would Pakistan encourage this? Because democracy is difficult. Providing jobs and running a decent government is not easy. It is easier to distract proples attention by trumpeting issues like Kashmir. That way people forget that the government does nothing to encourage development. Politicians can steal money allocated for building roads, water and sewage lines.

The people are too busy protesting danish cartoons, injustice in Kashmir (as if their own country is so just) and most of all burning american flags. Of course you can pull out anyone of those people burning an american flag and offer him an american visa. 9 out of 10 would take the visa happily!

Of course Politicians in our own country are masters of distracting the public. Our politicans have several tricks in their bag for emergencies.
When they are cornered for commiting crimes ---- Ask for a CBI enquiry. The CBI officers are hired by the government. They have not convicted a politician in decades. It is still an enigma to me how Shibu Soren was convicted. We all know what happened in the Priyadarshini Matoo case. And several hundred others involving anyone in power.

Recently the Karnataka Chief Minister H D Kumaraswamy was cornered after his son was caught on film vandalising a restaurant. He himself was caught taking bribes for doling out mining licenses. What did he do? He changed the name of Bangalore to Bengaluru. So easy to get people preoccupied on the merits an demerits of renaming a city. Never mind all the costs and PR minefields it creates. Do whatever you can but get the peoples minds away from the issues that are harmful to you. That is the Politicians motto. And of course. Make as much money as you can while you are in power. You never know when you will be back in power next.

This is why we need successful businesmen to enter politics. People like Narayanmurthy ,the Ambani brothers or Azim Premji. Who have sterling track records of running large enterprises. And more money than they know what to do with. Their only desire would be to return what they got. Not steal anymore money. That would be below their dignity. After all they know how to make money the proper way.

Pakistan, India and Kashmir - How do we elimininate infiltration into Kashmir?

We are one of the poorer countries of the world because of our faulty policies. But thanks to the IT boom we are definitely technologically advanced. Why not use this technological knowledge to good use? Why not eliminate infiltration from Pakistan occupied Kashmir into Kashmir?

We have devices like google earth. So we can set up towers near the border to make them even more powerful. Now give sensors to all Indians in kashmir who would be near the border. It cannot be removed as it is activated by body heat. This sensor can be sensed even during nighttime. Anyone without a sensor will be established to be an infiltrator. Even animals are given a sensor. Heat seeking devices will detect any unauthorised activity. Infiltrators can be wiped out in no time. We can surely handle the internal problems of Kashmir ourselves.

Once we privatise and become prosperous the people of kashmir will love to be with India. After all everyone loves prosperity. Look at all the people who critisise America every chance they get. But would kill for an American visa.

Kashmir should be given tax breaks and depreciation benefits to encourage industry to go there. Once they do so the industry in Kashmir will be awakened. Pakistan cannot stop progress in Kashmir wihout the infiltrators.

Is reservation the answer?

Yesterday I was witness to a speech by an amazing German lady, Dr. Hella Mundhra, who has started a school, Shishu Mandir, near Bangalore for underpriviledged children. This school takes only the poorest children from several villages and does not discriminate on the basis of caste or religion. There are 12 students in a class and no uniforms. An atmosphere of openess and freedom with discipline has been created. The graduates of this school are Engineers, MCAs, Diplomas, ITIs etc. The success of these students is amazing and simply goes to show that reservation is not the answer. None of the graduates of this school require reservation. Reservation would only question the legitimacy and diminish the value of the achievements that these kids have accomplished .

The government should study this school and incorporate the best parts of their programs, all over India, in all schools. Destroying the unity and diluting the quality of our students through reservation is simply not the answer. Finding new solutions is. And Shishu Mandir has definitely shown the way. When we have working examples of working solutions why take the easy way out?

Even our politicians who follow vote bank politics should realise that awakening the curiosity and educating children in our villages will be in their best interest and the country's best interest. This is the only way to harness the potential of our huge population. As Mr. Dilip Ranjekar , Chairman of the Azim Premji Foundation, pointed out at the same meeting- India has 16% of the worlds population and 1% of its GDP. This can only change if we educate our underpriviledged children and bring them up to par with the rest of the world since 70% of our population lives in the villages

Why arent we Cricket World Champions?

When we lose at the Olympics we invariably hear the excuse that the countries that win give more money to sports and hence have better facilties. We in India are poor, they say, and we have other priorities...

What about cricket? BCCI is the richest cricketing organization in the world. Cricketers from every country come to India to model in advertisements and make money. Their own countries do not pay them as much as they can earn in India. Yet who are the world champions? Australia!

Let us look at this irony in further detail. The World Champions of Cricket are undoubtably Australia. In Australia the most popular sport is Rugby. Then Soccer. Then Swimming. Then Yachting and only then Cricket! So an Australian teenager would choose which sport to play in that order. So the Australian who dint get into any of those other sports would end up playing cricket!

Now let us look at India. Cricket is by far the most popular sport. No other sport comes close. We have the most money. Even in England the stadiums are full only when India and Pakistan play. Yet the stadiums in England, Australia, South Africa look so much better maintained. The grass is greener and better looking. The pitches are bouncier and firmer.

More youngsters play cricket here than in Australia, South Africa and England combined. Indian cricketers are the richest, most famous and even the most sought after by women! Once again I ask. Who are the World Champions?

If money is not the motivator what is? Private enterpreneurs (advertisers representatives) have to be put on an advisory board to advise the BCCI on harnessing the talent that exists in this country. Ideas have to be sought from the public. The best ideas have to be rewarded ( we certainly have the money).
India have got to be the world champions. It is too embarassing to see us placed fifth among countries for whom cricket is not even the top sport. I once talked to an australian lady online. It was the day of the final of the world cup. Australia was playing to win the world cup. I asked her if she was nervous. She said she had no idea the world cup was going on!

Domestic cricket should be like American basketball. The internal competition is so fierce that they produce world beaters. The prize money for Ranji trophy cricket matches should be increased manifold. The BCCI should allocate a portion of their kitty to fund domestic cricket prize money. Then the TV audience will increase and interest among the public will be generated. Once sponsors come in the competition in Indian domestic cricket will be fierce. Then we will produce world beaters

High School cricket should be a focus. The prize money for InterSchool matches should be increased by several lakhs. In the competition that will ensue we can catch them young. Cricket coaching acdemies will sprout over night. Earlier we start further we will progress

Come on BCCI pull up your socks and stop politicking. Jagmohan Dalmia is not as important as winning the World cup and being world champions

The Nithari Killings- Skeletons in the closet in Noida - a case for capitalism not just capital punishment

When I see the apathy of the police in Noida where the serial killing of little children took place it sickens me. In the USA when Samantha Runion a little girl was kidnapped it was treated like a national emergency till the culprits were caught. Samantha was the child of a very ordinary American. Not someone wealthy. Here the cuprits were only caught by accident after they had kidnapped and killed over 30 kids over 30 months.

Some of the smartest people in world are Indians. Yet we one of the poorest countries in the world. A recent poll showed that over two thirds of qualified youngsters wish to emigrate to another country. Isint this tragic? But why is this happening?

Look at our history and the efficiency (or rather inefficiency) of our government institutions. The judiciary is so slow and lethargic and hence inefficient ( evident in the Jessica Lal case) . Why cant we simply have a time limit of one year for cases to be resolved?

Next let us examine the role of the Police (another Govt institution). It has been proved useless so many times. Corruption is rampant. Politicians demand bribes for plum posts from the police. And then ignore their lapses. Of course theres is a quid pro quo since the police do not follow up cases of criminal politicians. Both are happy. To hell with citizens who pay both salaries.

It seems simple. First make the police independent. And accountable. Like the election commission. Also the municipal corporations. Politicians cannot have a hand in the hiring of any of these insitutions. Police FIRs should be privatised. They never take FIRs so they can show a reducing crime rate. Thats why the 30 kids were not even registered cases! Private FIRs should follow a reward /penalty system. Frivolous FIRs will attract penalties. Convictions result in rewards for both police and FIR operators. This way there is no overstaffing. In every department jobs should be outsourced as far as possible. Problems can be fixed with time

Next let us examine the public limited companies (less than 2% earn a profit), roads, water supply, sewerage, electricity supply- the list goes on and on. Inefficiency corruption and lethargy stare us in the face everytime.
The losses of the public sector enterprises since independence is over 100,000 crores which is enough to have built the best roads in the world. Instead we have the worst roads in the world with a bunch of useless public sector behemoths that still lose money provided by the taxpayer

Now let us examine the IT sector. This is the one industry that has been left to run by itself with hardly any interference. Can you beleive that is only in 1991 that this sector originated? It provides India with half its total exports! Wealth and job creation, decency (Narayanmurthy, Azim Premji are examples to our politicians) are the hallmarks of this sector.
Imagine if the whole of India had been privatised rather than nationalised by Jawaharlal Nehru and Indira Gandhi. Where would this country have been? We would have been selling aircraft to America! Ships to Korea and even computers to Taiwan. Umemployment would have been a rarity. Poverty would have been a problem other countries faced. We would have felt sad for them for not having privatised. Like the way Europe and America feel sad for us

The worst part of all this is when I see communist governments like in West Bengal being elected. They are people who propose more government rather than less. Are they seriously trying to tell us that if we had the Ambanis and the Infosys of the country competing to provide us with water, electricity, roads and airports that we would not have been better off? Simply look what happened to the internet as soon as it was released from the hands of the government and it becomes clear. This country has been destroyed by the Politicians and the government.

Please let us privatise at least now with urgency. Let the next generation enjoy a rich and prosperous country.

Let us see the day when youngsters emmigrate to India rather than from India. Let us not see another starvation death or police apathy. Let us have a culture of efficiency and a Government that only supervises independent institutions like the Police and Defence. Then we may see our politicians do a decent job. We may see honest people becoming politicians simply out of gratitude to a country that has given them so much. Since there will not be unemployed and frustrated youth who have no other choice but to go into politics. And the Government bureaucracy will not have the control they have at present to take bribes to become rich

Let the atrociousness of Noida help us change our system

The Singur Affair - Where do we park these 1 lakh rupee cars coming from Singur?

Everytime I go out in my car in Bangalore I find it impossible to find a parking space. I find that it is easier to take an autorickshaw to go to most places in the city. That way I avoid the hassle of finding a parking space. What will it be like in future I wonder? Where will we park our cars? The real problem with the Tata-Singur, West Bengal project is not Mamata Banerjee's blackmail but where will we park all these 1 lakh rupee cars?

I had suggested several years ago that the government should encourage the construction of parking buildings. In public areas land should be given to enterpreneurs on a build, operate and tranfer basis. Parking on the roads in the vicinity of a parking building should be banned. 100% depreciation and tax free status should be offered to all parking buildings. Underground parking buildings should be given government subsidy

Our cities cannot expand since our roads have been planned so badly. I often wondered why New York and other cities in the USA have no telephone poles. They never dig up the streets in most cities in USA or Europe to lay new sewage or water lines or electricity connections. They have huge underground pipelines that carry Water , Sewage, Electricity and now even internet lines. They have even developed electric vehicles to traverse the length of these pipes for repairs and maintenance. The most interesting part is that they have done all this in the early 1900s. At least the new extensions of our cities should have had these ideas incorporated. Someone told me the reason why roads even in new areas of the city are so bad. The politicians force the narrowing of roads and collect huge bribes from the land owners who benefit

The highway between Chennai and Bangalore is so nice but the moment you reach either city the traffic is simply awful. Once you reach the outskirts of each city the nightmare starts. Just travelling through each city to reach your destination takes half the time it took to travel the entire distance between Bangalore and Chennai.

Underground railways by burrowing deep underground and crisscrossing the cities with subway trains is the only answer. Only the exit point for the escalator from the underground station will come overground like in London.

Our politicians have messed up our cities so badly. All new cities should be left to private enterpreneurs. Satellite cities should be setup 50 to 150 kilometers from the main cities. They should be setup like SEZs by private enterpreneurs. The private enterpreneurs should be in complete charge of these cities. They should be allowed to charge for proper Water, Electricity,Transportation and Sewage. Land appreciation will pay for the infrastructure. The better the infrastructure in each city the better will be the prices the enterpreneurs will command

If we build proper roads all over India the reduction in the consumption of diesel and petrol will pay for the cost of enhancing the roads. If our tax money is spent only on the construction of Irrigation canals, Metros in cities, Roads, Defense and the Police the resulting job creation will create a prosperous country

India Poised? How can India become great? Read on

I live in Bangalore. 1000 cars are added everyday to our city. The roads cannot be widened. Congestion increases on a day to day basis. A journey to Bannerghatta road that used to take me 20 minutes 5 years ago now takes me 1 hour and 15 minutes. If you extend this it will take me over 3 hours within a few years! And that is not hard to beleive if you see the traffic in our major cities. But what is the solution? Is there a solution?

One suggestion is to set up Satellite cities. These are cities setup between 60 and 150 kilometers from the main city. For example in Bangalore 5 satellite cities can be setup in five different directions. Preferably using barren land. If fertile land is used it should be only as a last resort. Even if fertile land is taken, unused land elsewhere should be cultivated to have the same production as the land acquired. Farmers should be given a stake in the new city if they so wish.

Once 5 cities are setup 5 enterpreneurs from each city with a sterling reputation should be chosen. Each enterpreneur should be put in charge of one city. A group of private citizens should be put on the board to monitor progress of the new cities. Companies like Infosys, Reliance , ITC etc with unimpeachable reputaions for project work should be chosen to manage the cities.
The cities will be built with private funding with the best infrastructure possible (the enterpreneurs will see to that). Water, Electricity, Sewage, transportation will be the best available. The enterpreneurs will make a huge profit on the surge in land prices in the Satellite cities. This profit will pay for all infrastructure spending they will incur. Their reputations will be on the line. There will be no government interference. Only regulation by private citizens and the media. Complete transparency will be mandatory. There will be no taxes since they will be given SEC (Special Economic Zone) benefits as they will require no external government funding. Only personal income tax will be applicable.

Each city will be connected by a superhighway and highspeed underground railway to the main city. The main cities will gradually decongest as the new cities will handle future growth. India will become a great power as it should. Just like the progress of the IT sector which was due to private enterpreneurs. For example private enterpreneurs will be able to see that by having proper roads the diesel and petrol consumption will reduce and pay for the cost of having better roads

India will be great as it should but not unless we remove government interference. Government funding should concentrate on 5 thrust areas. Irrigation canals, Metro railways in all cities, Roads, Electricity, Ports and Airports. All these projects should be privatised.