You got the wrong job if you are
...a wrestler who does not like to be touched
...a pilot who is afraid of heights
...an astronomer who has myopia
...a Doctor who faints at the sight of blood
...a gardner who is terrified of worms
...a gas station attendant who is allergic to the smell of petrol
...a stockbroker who isint good with numbers
...a call center employee who is hard of hearing
...a liftman who is claustrophobic
...a piano player who is tone deaf
...an Italian cook who cant stand garlic
...a plumber who hates the smell of shit
...a zookeeper who is allergic to animal hair
...a Politician who cant lie
...a judge who cant decide
...a bra salesman who is shy of women
...a govt employee who does not like Tea or Coffee breaks
...a taxi/auto driver who hates traffic jams
...a salesman who stammers
... a blind employee in a beauty parlor
...a housemaid who hates to take orders
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Why did The Chicken Cross the Road?
Laloo : Because BJP on this side. And because somebody stole chicken fodder. This is scandal. He is looking that side for his fodder. I did not take it
Kalaam: I will ask u a counter question. Will u answer? Tell me! Tell me now!
Ekta Kapoor: Its daughter in law lives on the other side. So she is going to make amends. Saas bhi Kabhie bahu thi
Advani: It is an example of Muslim appeasement. The congress is on the other side tempting that muslim chicken with special favours
Buddhadeb Bhattacharya: Just because that chicken crossed the road the CPI(M) cadre cannot be blamed
Maneka Gandhi: That chicken has been forced to cross unescorted. It is a violation of animal rights
BCCI: We have issued a show cause notice. No chicken can cross without the board's permission
Agarkar: I still hold the record for the maximum ducks in a row. One chicken does not make a difference
Sidhu: If we dont prevent and prepare. We will repent and repair. That chicken is an example to us all. He is showing initiative! He maybe angry but he is not cross. He may cross but he is the boss. He....
Arjun Singh: We must have reservation. Between 9am to 5 Pm only SC/ST and OBC chickens can cross
Rakhi Sawant: I don't know but i did not kiss that chicken
Karan Johar: He came to collect this lovely hamper. When people win it on my show. Kuch kuch hota hai. Since its a chick u can't say im gay anymore
Mufti Mohammed Sayeed (Ex Cm J&K): See there is no army presence on the other side
Mirwaiz Umar Farooq: He was simply protesting for an independent Kashmir. We have to give kashmiri chickens more freedom. Indian governments attitude has always been 'Ghar ke murghi dal barabar!'
Pranab Mukherjee (when he was foreign minister): It shows the presence of a foreign hand. That chicken was a Pakistani infiltrator. There are training camps on the other side
Rahul Gandhi: If that chicken was a Gandhi it would not have crossed
Sachin Tendulkar: 17 years I have sacrificed for this game. I have never been accused of having a bad attitude. I have never been accused of crossing with a chicken
Greg Chappell (chappal): The seniors have formed a mafia and forced that chicken to cross
Kalaam: I will ask u a counter question. Will u answer? Tell me! Tell me now!
Ekta Kapoor: Its daughter in law lives on the other side. So she is going to make amends. Saas bhi Kabhie bahu thi
Advani: It is an example of Muslim appeasement. The congress is on the other side tempting that muslim chicken with special favours
Buddhadeb Bhattacharya: Just because that chicken crossed the road the CPI(M) cadre cannot be blamed
Maneka Gandhi: That chicken has been forced to cross unescorted. It is a violation of animal rights
BCCI: We have issued a show cause notice. No chicken can cross without the board's permission
Agarkar: I still hold the record for the maximum ducks in a row. One chicken does not make a difference
Sidhu: If we dont prevent and prepare. We will repent and repair. That chicken is an example to us all. He is showing initiative! He maybe angry but he is not cross. He may cross but he is the boss. He....
Arjun Singh: We must have reservation. Between 9am to 5 Pm only SC/ST and OBC chickens can cross
Rakhi Sawant: I don't know but i did not kiss that chicken
Karan Johar: He came to collect this lovely hamper. When people win it on my show. Kuch kuch hota hai. Since its a chick u can't say im gay anymore
Mufti Mohammed Sayeed (Ex Cm J&K): See there is no army presence on the other side
Mirwaiz Umar Farooq: He was simply protesting for an independent Kashmir. We have to give kashmiri chickens more freedom. Indian governments attitude has always been 'Ghar ke murghi dal barabar!'
Pranab Mukherjee (when he was foreign minister): It shows the presence of a foreign hand. That chicken was a Pakistani infiltrator. There are training camps on the other side
Rahul Gandhi: If that chicken was a Gandhi it would not have crossed
Sachin Tendulkar: 17 years I have sacrificed for this game. I have never been accused of having a bad attitude. I have never been accused of crossing with a chicken
Greg Chappell (chappal): The seniors have formed a mafia and forced that chicken to cross
Obsession
I was a lonely lonely man
Searching searching
For lifes true meaning
Exploring exploring myself,
Plumbing the depths
where had i gone wrong?
why was i so miserable?
why did i feel so inadequate?
Then i met u
I talked and i talked
u made me smile and laugh
u gave me what i needed
an anchor into whom i could drop my soul
i looked into your eyes
i saw myself
For the first time in my life
i liked what i saw
Even though it was me!
U listened and u confided
U beleived and u comforted
U adored and u loved
U gave and u received
U felt and u made me feel
U giggled and u seduced
U cried and u laughed
U made me love
Oh how u made me love
That wondrous feeling
Oh that feeling of joy
That feeling of being alive
How I love to love
I felt like i could rule the world
That i could accomplish anything
I knew the meanng
The meaning of life
Every love song made sense
Every poem was beautiful
Life was a sonata
U gave me life
If i was with u
the world was lovely
Then u left
i wept
U said we couldint be together
I begged
U said it was impossible
I pleaded
I swore I would do anything
U cried
U refused
I still remember
When we made love
How your soft and smooth body
Would cling to me
How you made me feel like giving and giving
Till i heard those screams
Those screams of ecstacy
They still linger
In my head
Long after u have gone
I wake up in the middle of the night
I hear those screams
Im sweating and shaking
I need u next to me
But all i feel is the emptiness
So I cover my useless body
And curse God
Why? Oh Why Lord did u show her to me?
Why did u let me see what i was missing?
Before I was miserable
Before I was unhappy
But i did not know i was
Now I search and search
Cry and weep
Oh life is torture
Life is pain
Oh how those memories taunt me
Do u think of me?
Oh Lord stop this frustration
Have u found another?
Save me from this longing
Does lightning strike twice?
Will I ever love again?
Searching searching
For lifes true meaning
Exploring exploring myself,
Plumbing the depths
where had i gone wrong?
why was i so miserable?
why did i feel so inadequate?
Then i met u
I talked and i talked
u made me smile and laugh
u gave me what i needed
an anchor into whom i could drop my soul
i looked into your eyes
i saw myself
For the first time in my life
i liked what i saw
Even though it was me!
U listened and u confided
U beleived and u comforted
U adored and u loved
U gave and u received
U felt and u made me feel
U giggled and u seduced
U cried and u laughed
U made me love
Oh how u made me love
That wondrous feeling
Oh that feeling of joy
That feeling of being alive
How I love to love
I felt like i could rule the world
That i could accomplish anything
I knew the meanng
The meaning of life
Every love song made sense
Every poem was beautiful
Life was a sonata
U gave me life
If i was with u
the world was lovely
Then u left
i wept
U said we couldint be together
I begged
U said it was impossible
I pleaded
I swore I would do anything
U cried
U refused
I still remember
When we made love
How your soft and smooth body
Would cling to me
How you made me feel like giving and giving
Till i heard those screams
Those screams of ecstacy
They still linger
In my head
Long after u have gone
I wake up in the middle of the night
I hear those screams
Im sweating and shaking
I need u next to me
But all i feel is the emptiness
So I cover my useless body
And curse God
Why? Oh Why Lord did u show her to me?
Why did u let me see what i was missing?
Before I was miserable
Before I was unhappy
But i did not know i was
Now I search and search
Cry and weep
Oh life is torture
Life is pain
Oh how those memories taunt me
Do u think of me?
Oh Lord stop this frustration
Have u found another?
Save me from this longing
Does lightning strike twice?
Will I ever love again?
Lets Teach her a Lesson!
Radha was a vain girl
She looked down on her friends
They did not know about love
She told them
You all live such compromised lives
You will settle for whatever you get
But not me
I am going to wait
I wont compromise
I will only love my dream man
Until he arrives I will wait
Unlike you all
Go all of you
Run to your parents
Go settle for trash
Or anyone else you find
You dont have the courage
The courage to wait
To wait for your true love
Thats why you will never know what true love means
Radha was in love with love.
All she cared about was love
She wrote love poems
She made handwritten cards
She bought flowers
And imagined they were from her 'dream' man
When was she going to find him?
Her dream man
He would be handsome
Oh so handsome
And tall
And his eyes would be so dreamy
She would drown in those eyes
And he would be so romantic
He would whisper sweet nothings to her
All the time
On the phone when she was at work
In her ears when they were at some function
In public and whenver they were together
He would paste love notes all over the house
On her pillow
On the refrigerator
In front of the commode (in the bathroom)
On the mirror
Everywhere
Oh he would be so charming
Everyone would envy her
'How did u bag a man like this one?',
They would ask her
'Give him to me!',
They would beg
But he would never look at another woman
'You are all I need',
He would whisper in her ears
My man!
When are u going to find me?
Her friends decided to play with her
'Lets have fun with Radha',
They said
She thinks we are such scum
But lets show her
We can play her game
Lets set her up!
She will like Rahul
Shruti's boyfriend
'Shruti, lets bring him to her
Radha doesint know hes engaged'
Shruti giggled in agreement
We can tell him what to do
If she falls for him in under 10 days
We will have huge April fool party
and reveal the game to her
If not we will admit defeat to her publicly
So they coached Rahul
Everyday Shruti and the girls sat with him
They told him what Radha liked
What she disiked
They told him what to wear
How to write her little notes
What flowers to send her
What to whisper in her ears
Then they invited him to meet Radha
Ten days later Radha was in love
Head over heels
'I have found my man!',
She gushed
They had a huge April Fool party
They called all their friends
'We have won',
The cake said
Radha had been taught a lesson
Shruti was all dressed up
Radha was to arrive at 9
They were all ready
Rahul also would arrive at 9
He had some engagement
They turned down the lights
They waited in pregnant silence
They couldint stifle their giggles
Radha was going to find out today
She had been tricked!
Love was not her exclusive territory
They knew more than she did
They would show her today
They could 'arrange' love
The door clicked
They all stood up
'SURPrise....
They stopped in shock
Rahul and Radha stood there kissing
Rahul was sheepish
'We were just engaged',
Radha told the shocked gathering
Why are you all here together?
What's the occasion?
Shruti Im so sorry
Rahul told me about your engagement
But he loves me now
We are getting married next week
She looked down on her friends
They did not know about love
She told them
You all live such compromised lives
You will settle for whatever you get
But not me
I am going to wait
I wont compromise
I will only love my dream man
Until he arrives I will wait
Unlike you all
Go all of you
Run to your parents
Go settle for trash
Or anyone else you find
You dont have the courage
The courage to wait
To wait for your true love
Thats why you will never know what true love means
Radha was in love with love.
All she cared about was love
She wrote love poems
She made handwritten cards
She bought flowers
And imagined they were from her 'dream' man
When was she going to find him?
Her dream man
He would be handsome
Oh so handsome
And tall
And his eyes would be so dreamy
She would drown in those eyes
And he would be so romantic
He would whisper sweet nothings to her
All the time
On the phone when she was at work
In her ears when they were at some function
In public and whenver they were together
He would paste love notes all over the house
On her pillow
On the refrigerator
In front of the commode (in the bathroom)
On the mirror
Everywhere
Oh he would be so charming
Everyone would envy her
'How did u bag a man like this one?',
They would ask her
'Give him to me!',
They would beg
But he would never look at another woman
'You are all I need',
He would whisper in her ears
My man!
When are u going to find me?
Her friends decided to play with her
'Lets have fun with Radha',
They said
She thinks we are such scum
But lets show her
We can play her game
Lets set her up!
She will like Rahul
Shruti's boyfriend
'Shruti, lets bring him to her
Radha doesint know hes engaged'
Shruti giggled in agreement
We can tell him what to do
If she falls for him in under 10 days
We will have huge April fool party
and reveal the game to her
If not we will admit defeat to her publicly
So they coached Rahul
Everyday Shruti and the girls sat with him
They told him what Radha liked
What she disiked
They told him what to wear
How to write her little notes
What flowers to send her
What to whisper in her ears
Then they invited him to meet Radha
Ten days later Radha was in love
Head over heels
'I have found my man!',
She gushed
They had a huge April Fool party
They called all their friends
'We have won',
The cake said
Radha had been taught a lesson
Shruti was all dressed up
Radha was to arrive at 9
They were all ready
Rahul also would arrive at 9
He had some engagement
They turned down the lights
They waited in pregnant silence
They couldint stifle their giggles
Radha was going to find out today
She had been tricked!
Love was not her exclusive territory
They knew more than she did
They would show her today
They could 'arrange' love
The door clicked
They all stood up
'SURPrise....
They stopped in shock
Rahul and Radha stood there kissing
Rahul was sheepish
'We were just engaged',
Radha told the shocked gathering
Why are you all here together?
What's the occasion?
Shruti Im so sorry
Rahul told me about your engagement
But he loves me now
We are getting married next week
Love Thy Enemy
He was the worst of them all. The others in the party were conservative too but not like him. He had taken hate to extremes. He hated infidelity. He hated westernization. He hated public display of affection. He hated Muslims. Period
There was no negotiation. He beleived what he beleived. To hell with anyone who dint share his views.
Muslims were divisive. They were the reason for disruption of the peace. They caused terrorism. They were the reason for everything wrong in this country. They had to be stopped
When the party supremo needed a communal riot he was the one they called. Sunil. He would throw pigs on mosques. Anything.
His hate was all pervasive. A deep unrepentant hatred. Even the other hardliners in the party were scared of him. How could anyone hate like that? They questioned. He hasint even met most of the Muslim people he hates.
What have Muslims done to him? Maybe he was harmed by a muslim when he was young. They speculated
But Sunil was untouchable. Because he was successful. We won the election because of him. They whispered
Even the Supremo was afraid of him. Infidilety was banned he would roar. That is gora culture. Not ours. Those debaucherers. Men should not speak to women before marriage.Women should not dress provocatively and Valentines day is western
'Premarital Sex is sacrilege. Anyone found indulging in Intercaste marriages would be beheaded', Sunil thundered to anyone who would listen
People from different sections of society should remain separated for harmony he pontificated. Mixing will cause disruption. Disruption was dangerous to society. Mixing between religions or castes could not be allowed
We need a homogenious society. So we can all live in peace. Each caste and religion have to stay within their own ranks!
He would fight tooth and nail for this ideal society he swore foaming at the mouth
He destroyed shops selling Valentines day cards. He destroyed pubs where bar girls danced. He destroyed American establishments. (they were the cause for young people doing outrageous acts like holding hands or girls wearing short skirts). Why did we need hamburgers and pizzas when we had wholesome Indian food?
He revelled in the fact that he had killed more muslims than anyone else. He boasted that he had seen a Muslim burn before his very eyes. ' His eyes bulged and he exploded', he bragged
Even the Supremo was afraid of him. One day he stormed into the Supremos office. He was cheating on his wife. With a gora woman. No less. The Supremo did not have the courage to tell him to mind his own business. I will stop it immediately, the Supremo assured Sunil
Sunil was out of control. He was more than opinionated. He had become a law unto himself
One day he went to a muslim slum to see what damage he could do. He had heard reports of nefarious activity there. Everyone trembled and ran at the sight of him. Except one girl. Fatima
Fatima was innocent and brave. She stood her ground. Sunil saw her and stared
He had never seen anyone like her.
'Who are you?', he thundered
'Fatima', she said softly
He left in a huff
'Why have u left , Sir?', his aides asked. 'We are here to destroy something. Anything'
'Shutup!', he screamed
He could not forget her. Fatima. Those big beautiful eyes. Looking at him in curiosity. Not even fear like everyone else. Everynight he thought of her. Why had she stayed there? Why dint she run away like the others?
He went there again. Alone
'Where is Fatima?', he asked a girl he saw
When he saw her again he had the same feeling of exhilaration. he invited her to see him in the city
When her father asked her what Sunil the devil had told her she lied. Nothing she said. But she felt a strange feeling inside her. Her father told her that he was the worst specimen of humankind. That he was a scourge on the face of the land. But for some strange reason she dint care
She went to meet him
They began to meet regularly. Fatima excited him. She made him feel like he had never felt before. He couldint get enough of those lips, those eyes, her gentle laughter, her smile that he knew did not come out often
They travelled together. She made him do things he had never done before. She did things with him she had never thought of doing with anyone else
He travelled with her in disguise. She made him feel feelings he had never felt before. He experienced emotions he had never experienced before. And so did she
He went to the Supremo. The news had already filtered through. Sunil the evil devil was having an affair. With a Muslim woman
'I am resigning. I am married. But I am having an affair with a Muslim woman. I do not deserve to be in my position. I have violated every principle I have lived for in this party. I am going to change'
The Supremo was silent. Then he laughed. And laughed. And everyone laughed with him
'Sunil. You have been an example to us all. But now u have proved to be human. Let me tell you something. None of us really hate muslims. We cannot. Since we have not even mixed with them. We do not even know most of them. But we have to hate them. For business reasons. Our party follows the theory of divide and rule. The more we anger the Hindus who are the majority the more Hindu votes we will get. We tried to tell you. But you would not listen to us. You need not leave. Have your mistress. We dont mind at all'
'No Saheb. You dont understand. I am divorcing my wife. I am marrying Fatima. I cannot remain in a senior postion in our party with a Muslim wife. Hence I have to leave'
As Sunil left everyone thought the same thing. He had transferred the same passion of his hatred to his love for Fatima. The dreaded Sunil was now their enemy number one. Everyone shivered
There was no negotiation. He beleived what he beleived. To hell with anyone who dint share his views.
Muslims were divisive. They were the reason for disruption of the peace. They caused terrorism. They were the reason for everything wrong in this country. They had to be stopped
When the party supremo needed a communal riot he was the one they called. Sunil. He would throw pigs on mosques. Anything.
His hate was all pervasive. A deep unrepentant hatred. Even the other hardliners in the party were scared of him. How could anyone hate like that? They questioned. He hasint even met most of the Muslim people he hates.
What have Muslims done to him? Maybe he was harmed by a muslim when he was young. They speculated
But Sunil was untouchable. Because he was successful. We won the election because of him. They whispered
Even the Supremo was afraid of him. Infidilety was banned he would roar. That is gora culture. Not ours. Those debaucherers. Men should not speak to women before marriage.Women should not dress provocatively and Valentines day is western
'Premarital Sex is sacrilege. Anyone found indulging in Intercaste marriages would be beheaded', Sunil thundered to anyone who would listen
People from different sections of society should remain separated for harmony he pontificated. Mixing will cause disruption. Disruption was dangerous to society. Mixing between religions or castes could not be allowed
We need a homogenious society. So we can all live in peace. Each caste and religion have to stay within their own ranks!
He would fight tooth and nail for this ideal society he swore foaming at the mouth
He destroyed shops selling Valentines day cards. He destroyed pubs where bar girls danced. He destroyed American establishments. (they were the cause for young people doing outrageous acts like holding hands or girls wearing short skirts). Why did we need hamburgers and pizzas when we had wholesome Indian food?
He revelled in the fact that he had killed more muslims than anyone else. He boasted that he had seen a Muslim burn before his very eyes. ' His eyes bulged and he exploded', he bragged
Even the Supremo was afraid of him. One day he stormed into the Supremos office. He was cheating on his wife. With a gora woman. No less. The Supremo did not have the courage to tell him to mind his own business. I will stop it immediately, the Supremo assured Sunil
Sunil was out of control. He was more than opinionated. He had become a law unto himself
One day he went to a muslim slum to see what damage he could do. He had heard reports of nefarious activity there. Everyone trembled and ran at the sight of him. Except one girl. Fatima
Fatima was innocent and brave. She stood her ground. Sunil saw her and stared
He had never seen anyone like her.
'Who are you?', he thundered
'Fatima', she said softly
He left in a huff
'Why have u left , Sir?', his aides asked. 'We are here to destroy something. Anything'
'Shutup!', he screamed
He could not forget her. Fatima. Those big beautiful eyes. Looking at him in curiosity. Not even fear like everyone else. Everynight he thought of her. Why had she stayed there? Why dint she run away like the others?
He went there again. Alone
'Where is Fatima?', he asked a girl he saw
When he saw her again he had the same feeling of exhilaration. he invited her to see him in the city
When her father asked her what Sunil the devil had told her she lied. Nothing she said. But she felt a strange feeling inside her. Her father told her that he was the worst specimen of humankind. That he was a scourge on the face of the land. But for some strange reason she dint care
She went to meet him
They began to meet regularly. Fatima excited him. She made him feel like he had never felt before. He couldint get enough of those lips, those eyes, her gentle laughter, her smile that he knew did not come out often
They travelled together. She made him do things he had never done before. She did things with him she had never thought of doing with anyone else
He travelled with her in disguise. She made him feel feelings he had never felt before. He experienced emotions he had never experienced before. And so did she
He went to the Supremo. The news had already filtered through. Sunil the evil devil was having an affair. With a Muslim woman
'I am resigning. I am married. But I am having an affair with a Muslim woman. I do not deserve to be in my position. I have violated every principle I have lived for in this party. I am going to change'
The Supremo was silent. Then he laughed. And laughed. And everyone laughed with him
'Sunil. You have been an example to us all. But now u have proved to be human. Let me tell you something. None of us really hate muslims. We cannot. Since we have not even mixed with them. We do not even know most of them. But we have to hate them. For business reasons. Our party follows the theory of divide and rule. The more we anger the Hindus who are the majority the more Hindu votes we will get. We tried to tell you. But you would not listen to us. You need not leave. Have your mistress. We dont mind at all'
'No Saheb. You dont understand. I am divorcing my wife. I am marrying Fatima. I cannot remain in a senior postion in our party with a Muslim wife. Hence I have to leave'
As Sunil left everyone thought the same thing. He had transferred the same passion of his hatred to his love for Fatima. The dreaded Sunil was now their enemy number one. Everyone shivered
A Chatroom Incident
Gopal was an addict. A chat addict. When he woke up he went to the chatrooms.
He hated real life. He could not relate to people.He felt ugly and rejected. He hated himself
He could however be somebody else in chatrooms
The chatrooms were a seductive place. They allowed him to live. They allowed him to be who he wanted to be. They took him to a fantasy world. He felt powerful in chatrooms. He could be anyone he chose to be. Anyone other than himself
One day he went to is favorite chatroom. He began to chat. He was using the handle 'Superman'. He met a girl. Loreanna
He chatted with Loreanna for a couple of days. She was single. She was from London. He told her he was from London too. He asked her to talk about herself and found out she was crazy about Soccer.
On the third day he asked her if she wanted to meet a famous Soccer player. Loreanna asked him who he was talking about
Superman: Have u heard of David Johnson? The Soccer Player?
Loreanna: No I havent
Superman: Well he is one of the up and coming stars of Manchester United
Loreanna: Why do u ask?
Superman: He is in the chatroom
Loreanna: Where?
Superman: Do u see the guy called Johnny? Thats him
Loreanna: Do u know him?
Superman: Well hes a friend of my brother. He introduced me a while ago. Do u want to meet him?
Loreanna: I donno
Superman: Wait let me ask him. He can be a jerk sometimes. He has so many girls fawning over him
Gopal has created the handle 'Johnny' himself and comes back after a minute
Superman: Ok Loreanna. He seems to be lonely. He said ok. Try to talk to him and see
Loreanna (to Johnny): Hiiiii! My name is Loreanna! Super told me to talk to you. Is it true? Are u in Manchester United????
Johnny: Hey. Yeah its true. Why? U like Soccer?
Loreanna: Oh my God ! I love Soccer! I watch all the games. I live and die Soccer!
Johnny: Cool. What do u do?
Loreanna: I am a secretary for Ladbrokes
Johnny: What do u look like?
Next Gopal found out what her phone number was, called her and agreed to meet her in London. He had practiced British accents and could fool anyone. But of course being in India he never showed for the date
Gopal wanted to see the effect of the rejection on Loreanna. So the next day he was there in the same chatroom again
Superman: Hi Loreanna! How did it go?
Loreanna: It dint
Superman: Why? What happened?
Loreanna: He asked me out and dint show
Superman: What a jerk!
Gopal comforted her and learned more about Loreanna's interests and hobbies. He was getting closer to her and found out she was unhappy at work. and would love to get out of London. Two days later he talked to her again
Superman: Hi Loreanna! Long time no see! How u doin?
Loreanna: Im ok. How bout u?
Superman: I just met such a great guy. U just have to meet him Hes from Portugal. He is just your type!
Loreanna: I donno. I cant do this anymore
Superman: No No try this guy. U will love him
Gopal has created another handle Portaprince
Superman: Hes this guy called Portaprince ok? I am asking him to talk to you
Loreanna: Uh huh
Portaprince: Hi Loreanna. Super just insists I talk to U. Let me just tell u about myself. I run a recruitment firm in Portugal. What about u? What do u do?
Loreanna: I work in Ladbrokes as a secretary. Recruitment huh? Do u recruit secretaries?
Portaprince: Secretaries? Of Course. Thats our bread and butter. Would u like to work in Portugal? The pay is better here. The hours are shorter than in England I can guarantee u
Loreanna: Oh How nice! I would love to get out of London!
Portaprince: Oh Portugal is a lovely change from London. U will just love it! Send me your pic and resume and Ill process it and see what I can get for u ok?
Loreanna: Oh my God Ok. Let me do it right now. Im so excited!
Loreanna sends her pic and resume. Gopal is stunned. She is beautiful
Suddenly Gopal is curious. He wants to see what she thinks of him. Maybe he isint that bad looking after all.
Portaprince: Loreanna u are the prettiest woman ive seen n along time! I am sure it will be real easy to place u. Let me send u my pic just so u know what i llok like. Did Super tell u I was from India?
Loreanna: No. But I love Indians. My grandfather lived in Calcutta long ago!
Gopal sends his pic (one where he looked better than he looked in real life) and prays she likes it
Portaprince: Loreanna? Did u get my pic?
Loreanna: No But I gotta go. Ill see it later ok?
Gopal is intrigued by why she left so quickly
Next day he cant supress his curiosity. He returns to the chatroom
Superman:Loreanna! How was he?
Loreanna: He was ok
Superman: Just ok? Did he tell u he had his own business and all?
Loreanna: Yeah. He runs a recruitment business. He took my resume and said he would find me something in Portugal
Superman: Did u send him your pic?
Loreanna: Yeah and he sent me his too
Superman: So? What did he look like?
Loreanna: Well hes ok. I guess
Superman: Oh cmon. Tell me the truth. What did u really think?
Loreanna: Well u want to know the truth?
Superman: Sure
Loreanna: I donno how else to say this but he is the ugliest guy I have ever seen. Butt ugly. Jeez! How can any guy be that ugly?
Gopal slumped to the floor. Never to chat again
He hated real life. He could not relate to people.He felt ugly and rejected. He hated himself
He could however be somebody else in chatrooms
The chatrooms were a seductive place. They allowed him to live. They allowed him to be who he wanted to be. They took him to a fantasy world. He felt powerful in chatrooms. He could be anyone he chose to be. Anyone other than himself
One day he went to is favorite chatroom. He began to chat. He was using the handle 'Superman'. He met a girl. Loreanna
He chatted with Loreanna for a couple of days. She was single. She was from London. He told her he was from London too. He asked her to talk about herself and found out she was crazy about Soccer.
On the third day he asked her if she wanted to meet a famous Soccer player. Loreanna asked him who he was talking about
Superman: Have u heard of David Johnson? The Soccer Player?
Loreanna: No I havent
Superman: Well he is one of the up and coming stars of Manchester United
Loreanna: Why do u ask?
Superman: He is in the chatroom
Loreanna: Where?
Superman: Do u see the guy called Johnny? Thats him
Loreanna: Do u know him?
Superman: Well hes a friend of my brother. He introduced me a while ago. Do u want to meet him?
Loreanna: I donno
Superman: Wait let me ask him. He can be a jerk sometimes. He has so many girls fawning over him
Gopal has created the handle 'Johnny' himself and comes back after a minute
Superman: Ok Loreanna. He seems to be lonely. He said ok. Try to talk to him and see
Loreanna (to Johnny): Hiiiii! My name is Loreanna! Super told me to talk to you. Is it true? Are u in Manchester United????
Johnny: Hey. Yeah its true. Why? U like Soccer?
Loreanna: Oh my God ! I love Soccer! I watch all the games. I live and die Soccer!
Johnny: Cool. What do u do?
Loreanna: I am a secretary for Ladbrokes
Johnny: What do u look like?
Next Gopal found out what her phone number was, called her and agreed to meet her in London. He had practiced British accents and could fool anyone. But of course being in India he never showed for the date
Gopal wanted to see the effect of the rejection on Loreanna. So the next day he was there in the same chatroom again
Superman: Hi Loreanna! How did it go?
Loreanna: It dint
Superman: Why? What happened?
Loreanna: He asked me out and dint show
Superman: What a jerk!
Gopal comforted her and learned more about Loreanna's interests and hobbies. He was getting closer to her and found out she was unhappy at work. and would love to get out of London. Two days later he talked to her again
Superman: Hi Loreanna! Long time no see! How u doin?
Loreanna: Im ok. How bout u?
Superman: I just met such a great guy. U just have to meet him Hes from Portugal. He is just your type!
Loreanna: I donno. I cant do this anymore
Superman: No No try this guy. U will love him
Gopal has created another handle Portaprince
Superman: Hes this guy called Portaprince ok? I am asking him to talk to you
Loreanna: Uh huh
Portaprince: Hi Loreanna. Super just insists I talk to U. Let me just tell u about myself. I run a recruitment firm in Portugal. What about u? What do u do?
Loreanna: I work in Ladbrokes as a secretary. Recruitment huh? Do u recruit secretaries?
Portaprince: Secretaries? Of Course. Thats our bread and butter. Would u like to work in Portugal? The pay is better here. The hours are shorter than in England I can guarantee u
Loreanna: Oh How nice! I would love to get out of London!
Portaprince: Oh Portugal is a lovely change from London. U will just love it! Send me your pic and resume and Ill process it and see what I can get for u ok?
Loreanna: Oh my God Ok. Let me do it right now. Im so excited!
Loreanna sends her pic and resume. Gopal is stunned. She is beautiful
Suddenly Gopal is curious. He wants to see what she thinks of him. Maybe he isint that bad looking after all.
Portaprince: Loreanna u are the prettiest woman ive seen n along time! I am sure it will be real easy to place u. Let me send u my pic just so u know what i llok like. Did Super tell u I was from India?
Loreanna: No. But I love Indians. My grandfather lived in Calcutta long ago!
Gopal sends his pic (one where he looked better than he looked in real life) and prays she likes it
Portaprince: Loreanna? Did u get my pic?
Loreanna: No But I gotta go. Ill see it later ok?
Gopal is intrigued by why she left so quickly
Next day he cant supress his curiosity. He returns to the chatroom
Superman:Loreanna! How was he?
Loreanna: He was ok
Superman: Just ok? Did he tell u he had his own business and all?
Loreanna: Yeah. He runs a recruitment business. He took my resume and said he would find me something in Portugal
Superman: Did u send him your pic?
Loreanna: Yeah and he sent me his too
Superman: So? What did he look like?
Loreanna: Well hes ok. I guess
Superman: Oh cmon. Tell me the truth. What did u really think?
Loreanna: Well u want to know the truth?
Superman: Sure
Loreanna: I donno how else to say this but he is the ugliest guy I have ever seen. Butt ugly. Jeez! How can any guy be that ugly?
Gopal slumped to the floor. Never to chat again
Am I welcome Here?
Many Indians have moved to the USA. Some have moved back to India. Those Indians always have a nagging worry on what was the right thing to do
I was in the USA for 5 years. Then i decided one day to move back to India. I started a construction company. I'm doing quite well. But i always wonder if I would have done better if I had stayed back in the USA. What are the plus points of each country?
I remember once I was driving around with a white friend of mine searching for an address. It was a remote part of town where there were no cars at all. We were in what felt like private property. I accidentally went down a small road and promptly heard the dreaded whistle of a police car behind me. I stopped immediately and the policeman came up to my window and asked me for my drivers license and registration. Which i handed him. I asked him what the problem was. He said it was a one way street. I asked him where the sign was. He pointed to to a sign that was half hidden by the branch of a tree. I pointed out to him that the sign was hidden from view. He said it was my responsibility to know the law. And proceeded to write out a ticket. Suddenly my white friend interrupted. He said 'We couldn't see the sign Officer' . The minute the white policeman saw my white friend he stopped. 'You with this gentleman?', he asked. 'Yes', replied my friend. 'Okay. Be careful next time', he replied and went away without giving me a ticket.
Another time in my office there were two of us who had to be given green cards. One was a white Russian Engineer and myself. Both of our green cards were processed and he was given his green card. But mine was delayed. For several months I was told there was some 'processing' problem. I finally quit in a huff and after i quit they offered the green card to me. But it was too late. I had decided to come back to India.
When I returned I felt an unfair advantage for having studied in the USA. Everyone respected me. Just last week I was told by a customer that he was 'grateful' that I had decided to come back! My business is doing well. However I have the nasty headaches of having to deal with Sales Tax and other government officials. Bribes are commonplace. Roads are terrible. The people are friendly. Clubs are plentiful. Opportunities abound. Girls look you in the eye here.
But I used to regret coming back till i remembered the story of the two salesmen who were sent to this remote island to sell shoes. First one wrote back.
' Dont send shoes. No one wears shoes here'
Second one wired back ' Send all stocks. No one wears shoes here!'
Its all in ones point of view. I grew up here. I understand the people here. Im at home here despite everything. I write letters join action groups and try to change things. And most importantly i recognise the potential of this country. There are so many things we havent thought of here that are passe in the USA. U can be a hero here. There all u can be is an 'also ran' And who wants to work there an enrich their coffers when I can do the same here and increase my own and the countrys.
The first play i did got a quarter page review. Cant dream of that in the good ol USA. I manufacture products that noone else manufactures. Cant do that there either. I hire people without worrying if I will go broke doing so and do esoteric research 'because i can afford it'. Nopes not possible there.
So i wire back to those in the USA 'Come back to India' Noone wears shoes here!'
I was in the USA for 5 years. Then i decided one day to move back to India. I started a construction company. I'm doing quite well. But i always wonder if I would have done better if I had stayed back in the USA. What are the plus points of each country?
I remember once I was driving around with a white friend of mine searching for an address. It was a remote part of town where there were no cars at all. We were in what felt like private property. I accidentally went down a small road and promptly heard the dreaded whistle of a police car behind me. I stopped immediately and the policeman came up to my window and asked me for my drivers license and registration. Which i handed him. I asked him what the problem was. He said it was a one way street. I asked him where the sign was. He pointed to to a sign that was half hidden by the branch of a tree. I pointed out to him that the sign was hidden from view. He said it was my responsibility to know the law. And proceeded to write out a ticket. Suddenly my white friend interrupted. He said 'We couldn't see the sign Officer' . The minute the white policeman saw my white friend he stopped. 'You with this gentleman?', he asked. 'Yes', replied my friend. 'Okay. Be careful next time', he replied and went away without giving me a ticket.
Another time in my office there were two of us who had to be given green cards. One was a white Russian Engineer and myself. Both of our green cards were processed and he was given his green card. But mine was delayed. For several months I was told there was some 'processing' problem. I finally quit in a huff and after i quit they offered the green card to me. But it was too late. I had decided to come back to India.
When I returned I felt an unfair advantage for having studied in the USA. Everyone respected me. Just last week I was told by a customer that he was 'grateful' that I had decided to come back! My business is doing well. However I have the nasty headaches of having to deal with Sales Tax and other government officials. Bribes are commonplace. Roads are terrible. The people are friendly. Clubs are plentiful. Opportunities abound. Girls look you in the eye here.
But I used to regret coming back till i remembered the story of the two salesmen who were sent to this remote island to sell shoes. First one wrote back.
' Dont send shoes. No one wears shoes here'
Second one wired back ' Send all stocks. No one wears shoes here!'
Its all in ones point of view. I grew up here. I understand the people here. Im at home here despite everything. I write letters join action groups and try to change things. And most importantly i recognise the potential of this country. There are so many things we havent thought of here that are passe in the USA. U can be a hero here. There all u can be is an 'also ran' And who wants to work there an enrich their coffers when I can do the same here and increase my own and the countrys.
The first play i did got a quarter page review. Cant dream of that in the good ol USA. I manufacture products that noone else manufactures. Cant do that there either. I hire people without worrying if I will go broke doing so and do esoteric research 'because i can afford it'. Nopes not possible there.
So i wire back to those in the USA 'Come back to India' Noone wears shoes here!'
Cruel Cruel World
He screamed in agony. Why God ? Why?
Ever since he was young it was the same. He was way too shy. He was way too ugly. There was always something wrong with him. He remembered his school days. He could NEVER talk to any girl. Okay no girl ever tried to talk to him either. He was in a boys school. None of his friends seemed that obsessed with talking to girls. They all seemed so happy in their studies. Damn nerds. So only he had this problem.
‘How the hell does one meet girls?’. he asked himself. One day he was passing by the ‘Alliance Francaise’ and saw a lot of pretty girls coming out or going in. He went the next day to ask what they were all doing there. ‘Learning French’, he was told by a boy he asked. so he enrolled for a beginners course. He had a tough time convincing his father for the money but he was quite persuasive when it was required. At least with his parents.
Soon he found himself a fish out of water there. Everybody seemed to know each other. He just couldn’t get into any of the groups. ‘God’, why did you have to make me so damn ugly?’, he agonised. ‘Why can’t I just have the guts? God please give me the guts or at least the personality!’, he screamed that night weeping into his pillow.
The next day he went as usual to his French class and a girl came up to him. His heart was pounding. ‘Oh God! Thank You!’, then he cautioned himself. ‘Don’t blow this.’
‘Do you have yesterdays homework?’, she asked. He froze. He couldn’t speak. She was so pretty! He mumbled something. ‘I am such an idiot!’, he yelled at himself. Throughout the class his mind was a whirl. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t swallow. ‘I could have said this or I could have said that! Oh God! Why dint I say something?. The first girl who ever talked to me!'
Nothing ever came of his French class. ‘I am going to die a virgin’, he told himself. ‘That is God’s plan for me .Or else he would have made me slightly good looking or forced some girl to talk to me. Just one opportunity. That’s all I need. One opportunity. So many damn girls in this country. All Im asking for is one to talk to me!’ he pleaded. 'I am not going to marry just to get a girl!, he swore to God
Several years later he finished college. Of course he had to go into Engineering like all his nerdy school classmates. Not a single girl in his class. Of course. ‘Screw them all’, he thought. There must be something else he could think about. But no. He couldint. They were everywhere. Each one prettier than the next. Talking to everyone but him. ‘Why God Why? , he screamed, ‘At least make me asexual. Don’t give me so much desire without the ability to do something about it!’
One day he met a an old classmate of his who was a model. 'You know a lot of women Rajiv. Can you introduce me to someone', he asked desperately. He got a call from Rajiv's sister that same evening. 'My brother told me all about you', she said sexily ,'There's a girlfriend of mine waiting here. She says she has to meet you.'. He thanked God and rushed to Rajiv's house. His heart was pounding in excitement. There was a little girl about 4 years old there. 'Say hi Basant!, Rajiv's sister said when he entered. Everyone burst out laughing seeing his expression. He cursed all of them. He cursed God. 'May they all die a miserable death', he wished
‘Okay, he decided, ‘I will go the USA. There must be something possible there. Look at all those movies. The girls go up and talk to the boys there. They don’t wait for idiots like me to grow up. They grow the idiots up.’ So he studied for GRE and GMAT. Any exam that would take him to the USA. Away from this failure. Away from his inadequacies. He looked at the prospectus. ‘Which College would have the most number of girls? There were only three states in the USA with more men than women.’ He had a good chance!
At last he got his acceptance letter from an american University. He had a scholarship! He was going to the USA! What would it be like? Would he succeed? Would he meet someone who would make him a man? He had been accepted to EngineeringCollege. He could not contain his excitement
He reached his university. So many girls everywhere! Just like the movies. When he entered his class the first day he noticed it was the same. No girls. There were only guys in his class. ‘What is this? I came all the way for this? Why God? Why did you do this to me?’ , he wailed in agony. 'Why does everyone in India have to study Engineering when there are no girls in Engineering?
In his first class he met his classmate Robert. 'Hey you want to come to a night club?, Robert asked. 'Of course', Basant replied. The Night club was crawling with women. 'Have I reached heaven ?', he wondered. Robert said 'Just ask any of them to dance'. He asked a girl to dance and began to dance! Basant couldint beleive his eyes. He asked a girl standing near him to dance. 'No thanks', she replied and walked away. He asked twenty six more girls that night. None of them agreed to dance with him. He walked home tears streaming down his face. The rejection hurt every pore of his body. 'Why God Why ', he demanded, 'Why do you make me a man and treat me like a dog?'
Next day he was told he was wanted by the Dean. He had to work for his Teaching assistantship. He had to grade papers. His professor gave him the papers with the answers and told him to grade them after showing him some examples. He graded all the papers diligently. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. He now had an office.
It was a girl! He swallowed. ‘Yes’, he asked. ‘Iam Jackie Murphy. Are you grading our papers?’, she asked sexily.’ Thank You God. Thank You!. Over the next few weeks Jackie visited him regularly. She asked him so many questions and wrote the answers in front of him. He could see right down her dress at times. He was in heaven. He gave her the best grades. She had delivered him from misery. She was going to make him a man. She was his angel
His first term was ending .He and Jackie Murphy had gone out a few times. She had allowed him to hold her hand. Or rather she had held his hand. His hand tingled at her touch. A female touch. He was in delirium. 'I have to kiss her. I have to kiss her', he thought greedily. The next day evening when he went up to her dorm he pulled her to him and forced her to kiss him. She screamed in anger but dint seem too upset. He had kissed a girl! He had done it! At last
‘God is kind’, he thought. ‘Sorry for all the mean things I said to you Oh God’
The last day of the semester had arrived. He went to College a spring in his step. He had kissed a girl! There was a note from the Dean. ‘He wants to raise my salary’, he thought jokingly, 'or maybe he wants to learn my technique! Mr Girl Kisser!'. As he entered the Dean’s office he felt tense. There was something wrong. The dean’s face was grim.
‘ Do you know Jackie Murphy?’, he asked. ‘Yes. Did something happen to her?
‘She has filed sexual molestation charges against you. Her grades are unusually high for this class. You could face disciplinary action or be forced to quit your job’
Ever since he was young it was the same. He was way too shy. He was way too ugly. There was always something wrong with him. He remembered his school days. He could NEVER talk to any girl. Okay no girl ever tried to talk to him either. He was in a boys school. None of his friends seemed that obsessed with talking to girls. They all seemed so happy in their studies. Damn nerds. So only he had this problem.
‘How the hell does one meet girls?’. he asked himself. One day he was passing by the ‘Alliance Francaise’ and saw a lot of pretty girls coming out or going in. He went the next day to ask what they were all doing there. ‘Learning French’, he was told by a boy he asked. so he enrolled for a beginners course. He had a tough time convincing his father for the money but he was quite persuasive when it was required. At least with his parents.
Soon he found himself a fish out of water there. Everybody seemed to know each other. He just couldn’t get into any of the groups. ‘God’, why did you have to make me so damn ugly?’, he agonised. ‘Why can’t I just have the guts? God please give me the guts or at least the personality!’, he screamed that night weeping into his pillow.
The next day he went as usual to his French class and a girl came up to him. His heart was pounding. ‘Oh God! Thank You!’, then he cautioned himself. ‘Don’t blow this.’
‘Do you have yesterdays homework?’, she asked. He froze. He couldn’t speak. She was so pretty! He mumbled something. ‘I am such an idiot!’, he yelled at himself. Throughout the class his mind was a whirl. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t swallow. ‘I could have said this or I could have said that! Oh God! Why dint I say something?. The first girl who ever talked to me!'
Nothing ever came of his French class. ‘I am going to die a virgin’, he told himself. ‘That is God’s plan for me .Or else he would have made me slightly good looking or forced some girl to talk to me. Just one opportunity. That’s all I need. One opportunity. So many damn girls in this country. All Im asking for is one to talk to me!’ he pleaded. 'I am not going to marry just to get a girl!, he swore to God
Several years later he finished college. Of course he had to go into Engineering like all his nerdy school classmates. Not a single girl in his class. Of course. ‘Screw them all’, he thought. There must be something else he could think about. But no. He couldint. They were everywhere. Each one prettier than the next. Talking to everyone but him. ‘Why God Why? , he screamed, ‘At least make me asexual. Don’t give me so much desire without the ability to do something about it!’
One day he met a an old classmate of his who was a model. 'You know a lot of women Rajiv. Can you introduce me to someone', he asked desperately. He got a call from Rajiv's sister that same evening. 'My brother told me all about you', she said sexily ,'There's a girlfriend of mine waiting here. She says she has to meet you.'. He thanked God and rushed to Rajiv's house. His heart was pounding in excitement. There was a little girl about 4 years old there. 'Say hi Basant!, Rajiv's sister said when he entered. Everyone burst out laughing seeing his expression. He cursed all of them. He cursed God. 'May they all die a miserable death', he wished
‘Okay, he decided, ‘I will go the USA. There must be something possible there. Look at all those movies. The girls go up and talk to the boys there. They don’t wait for idiots like me to grow up. They grow the idiots up.’ So he studied for GRE and GMAT. Any exam that would take him to the USA. Away from this failure. Away from his inadequacies. He looked at the prospectus. ‘Which College would have the most number of girls? There were only three states in the USA with more men than women.’ He had a good chance!
At last he got his acceptance letter from an american University. He had a scholarship! He was going to the USA! What would it be like? Would he succeed? Would he meet someone who would make him a man? He had been accepted to EngineeringCollege. He could not contain his excitement
He reached his university. So many girls everywhere! Just like the movies. When he entered his class the first day he noticed it was the same. No girls. There were only guys in his class. ‘What is this? I came all the way for this? Why God? Why did you do this to me?’ , he wailed in agony. 'Why does everyone in India have to study Engineering when there are no girls in Engineering?
In his first class he met his classmate Robert. 'Hey you want to come to a night club?, Robert asked. 'Of course', Basant replied. The Night club was crawling with women. 'Have I reached heaven ?', he wondered. Robert said 'Just ask any of them to dance'. He asked a girl to dance and began to dance! Basant couldint beleive his eyes. He asked a girl standing near him to dance. 'No thanks', she replied and walked away. He asked twenty six more girls that night. None of them agreed to dance with him. He walked home tears streaming down his face. The rejection hurt every pore of his body. 'Why God Why ', he demanded, 'Why do you make me a man and treat me like a dog?'
Next day he was told he was wanted by the Dean. He had to work for his Teaching assistantship. He had to grade papers. His professor gave him the papers with the answers and told him to grade them after showing him some examples. He graded all the papers diligently. Suddenly there was a knock on his door. He now had an office.
It was a girl! He swallowed. ‘Yes’, he asked. ‘Iam Jackie Murphy. Are you grading our papers?’, she asked sexily.’ Thank You God. Thank You!. Over the next few weeks Jackie visited him regularly. She asked him so many questions and wrote the answers in front of him. He could see right down her dress at times. He was in heaven. He gave her the best grades. She had delivered him from misery. She was going to make him a man. She was his angel
His first term was ending .He and Jackie Murphy had gone out a few times. She had allowed him to hold her hand. Or rather she had held his hand. His hand tingled at her touch. A female touch. He was in delirium. 'I have to kiss her. I have to kiss her', he thought greedily. The next day evening when he went up to her dorm he pulled her to him and forced her to kiss him. She screamed in anger but dint seem too upset. He had kissed a girl! He had done it! At last
‘God is kind’, he thought. ‘Sorry for all the mean things I said to you Oh God’
The last day of the semester had arrived. He went to College a spring in his step. He had kissed a girl! There was a note from the Dean. ‘He wants to raise my salary’, he thought jokingly, 'or maybe he wants to learn my technique! Mr Girl Kisser!'. As he entered the Dean’s office he felt tense. There was something wrong. The dean’s face was grim.
‘ Do you know Jackie Murphy?’, he asked. ‘Yes. Did something happen to her?
‘She has filed sexual molestation charges against you. Her grades are unusually high for this class. You could face disciplinary action or be forced to quit your job’
Ravana! Ten Heads and One big Heart
The sweet sound of victory…The audience applauding. The accolades after the performance.The myriad voices shouting ‘Bravo!’. I used to win that competition. I used to…3 years in a row. The National Piano Maestro Competition. The most prestigious piano competition in India. I could never win it again....
Hi! My name is Ravana. Life with ten heads is tough. Since I was young I
always felt life was a burden. My mother always complained. She had to buy ten feeding bottles at a time. Breast feeding me was near impossible ( as you can imagine). Burping me holding ten heads at once wasint easy. My brother Kumbakarna always joked that when I burped after meals it sounded like a concerto of frogs! We needed eight maids at all times. Brushing my teeth was a nightmare. I had ten heads but only two hands! I could never decide whether to go left to right or vice versa. Combing my hair was no easier. My barber always complained that one head wanted to look like Laloo and another like Abdul Kalaam.
Yes my heads had opinions of their own. At night I couldint sleep because if one head wanted to turn the other did not. All the kids made fun of me at school. They called me names. They called me TENzing because I liked mountain climbing .They were mean. So went to the movies alone bought ten tickets and sat in the back row. Night clubs were too expensive . They charged One Hundred Rupees per head!
But things were not all bad. In summer I worked in a call center and made a lot of money since I could talk to ten people at once. And I never failed at school since I could read ten books at once. I was also a whiz at Quiz. I was the school champion at all the Inter School festivals. However I became a star after I learned to play the piano. Head 3 took to the piano like a duck to water. I began to win every competition. Then Head 8 began to play chess. In under a year I was seeded fourth in Karnataka. Success was getting to my heads ( so to speak). Then I got this letter from the USA. It was an all expense paid invitation to play at an International Piano Competetion. I was going to the U.S.A ! Maybe I could meet Kasparov....
New York was everything I dreamed it would be. The flight there was my most memorable experience. I had to get 10 seats of course. And keep the air sickness bags pinned to the seats in front of each head. Just in case. And wear adult diapers. (My heads wouldn’t fit in those tiny airplane bathrooms ) But I could watch all the movies on the flight. At the same time! One of the privileges of having 10 heads. But I had to walk sideways down the aisles . I discovered all the good looking girls seemed to sit in the center aisle. One girl made eyes at me. But then I found out she was just looking for her glasses. I was never very good with girls. Finally we landed in New York.
Immigration was hell. The guy at the counter asked for 10 visas and 10
passports! And insisted on interviewing each head! I couldn’t convince him that one couldn’t be a terrorist if the other was’int. When the ordeal ended I went into New York City.
New York City! One cabbie almost drove onto the sidewalk looking at me! Everywhere I had to listen to funny oneliners like 'Hey do they call you the Talking Heads?’, ' I couldn’t hire you in my company. U would be too much Overheads!', 'Do they have Heads Crossing Signs where you live?’, 'When your in Love do u fall Heads over heels?!’. And sometimes they were actually funny.
That’s where I met Gita. Let me explain. Like I said before I was never very popular with girls. They were always afraid of me. One girl told me it was tough making eye contact! But still I liked girls. I had this strange dream where Im kissing 10 girls at once. I have never told anyone about that dream until now. But girls never liked me. Until……………………Gita.
She was my opponent. She lived in Bangalore too. I noticed she kept staring. At first I thought I was mistaken. Then after the Quiz she came to talk to me. And asked for my phone number! No girl had ever asked me for my phone number. She called that evening. We began to date. She always insisted on talking to each head when she phoned me. One minute for each. Head 3 always tried to talk longer. ( He thought she liked him more). Head 8 however refused to speak to Gita. I saw a problem developing.
You see Heads 3 and 8 were always a little smarter than the others. We all accepted that. But at one college festival during a debate I realized things were much more serious than I thought. It was no longer just an occasional disagreement. Then one day something happened that made me feel like my whole world was collapsing around me.....
I was participating in a debate. Head 3 was speaking for the motion. The
topic was `Did India need a 2 Party System?’ One of the debaters had heard about the difference of opinion between Heads 3 and 8. So he decided to take advantage. He addressed Head 8 instead of Head 3. ` What do you think Head 8’, he asked. Head 8 began to speak out of turn.! He spoke AGAINST the motion. I was supposed to speak FOR the motion! 'Freedom means no restrictions ', he said , 'If we limit the number of parties we are restricting freedom.'. He went on and on. We lost of course.
Two groups began to form. One for Head 3 and the other for Head 8. Head 3 liked Chinese. Head 8 liked Dosas. Head 3 liked Politics. Head 8 liked Ethics. Always opposites! But we were like a coalition government. We had to follow rules. We had to agree to disagree. Unless we were able to do that we would never be able to live together peacefully. Without consensus we were as good as dead. Things were spiralling downhill. Until one day Kumbakarna suggested a therapist he knew. For someone who sleeps most of the time he sure knows a lot of people.
The therapist said only the head she talked to was to reply. No
interruptions. And she then talked to each head. I could see what she was doing. She was establishing points of commonality. Making us see the common good. United we stand. Divided we fall. I talked and talked. How much I needed this. To get it all off my chest. I told her everything. I told her about my difficulty with girls. She smiled when I told her about Gita. She made notes as I talked. Then I began to talk about marriage and the disputes between the Heads. Suddenly all heads seemed to go crazy . They were all talking at once. My hands were out of control. I felt myself reaching for the paper cutter. Head 3 was trying to gouge out Head 8’s eyes! I couldn’t take this anymore. I ran out of the room.
I got into my car. It was a special car. The steering was in the middle. I
wasint allowed to drive over 60. I was driving way too fast. All the heads
were fighting. This was the end. But I didn’t care. If we couldn’t get along
we were going to die anyway. The speedometer was clocking 100. Then 120.
Suddenly a truck appeared out of nowhere. Last thing I remember I hit a
tree. Head on.
I woke up in the Hospital. The therapist was there. Kumbakarna was there. He squeezed my hand.
'Are u OK ?' , he asked.
' I followed you all the way’, the therapist said. 'I pulled u out of the
car just in time.'
All of a sudden it struck me. I couldn’t feel Heads 3 and 8.
'We had to disable them ', she said, ' There was no other way'.
' Go away' , I said hopelessly, ' Just go.'
Gita still kisses Heads 3 and 8 every night. She refuses to accept that they are gone. I don’t make as much money in call centers anymore. Ok Its just a little bit less. But Head 8 was so good with the British. We could have worked things out. They would have come around. Heads 3 and 8. They would have understood. They would have. I m sure. Oh how I miss the sweet sound of 'Bravo'..........
Hi! My name is Ravana. Life with ten heads is tough. Since I was young I
always felt life was a burden. My mother always complained. She had to buy ten feeding bottles at a time. Breast feeding me was near impossible ( as you can imagine). Burping me holding ten heads at once wasint easy. My brother Kumbakarna always joked that when I burped after meals it sounded like a concerto of frogs! We needed eight maids at all times. Brushing my teeth was a nightmare. I had ten heads but only two hands! I could never decide whether to go left to right or vice versa. Combing my hair was no easier. My barber always complained that one head wanted to look like Laloo and another like Abdul Kalaam.
Yes my heads had opinions of their own. At night I couldint sleep because if one head wanted to turn the other did not. All the kids made fun of me at school. They called me names. They called me TENzing because I liked mountain climbing .They were mean. So went to the movies alone bought ten tickets and sat in the back row. Night clubs were too expensive . They charged One Hundred Rupees per head!
But things were not all bad. In summer I worked in a call center and made a lot of money since I could talk to ten people at once. And I never failed at school since I could read ten books at once. I was also a whiz at Quiz. I was the school champion at all the Inter School festivals. However I became a star after I learned to play the piano. Head 3 took to the piano like a duck to water. I began to win every competition. Then Head 8 began to play chess. In under a year I was seeded fourth in Karnataka. Success was getting to my heads ( so to speak). Then I got this letter from the USA. It was an all expense paid invitation to play at an International Piano Competetion. I was going to the U.S.A ! Maybe I could meet Kasparov....
New York was everything I dreamed it would be. The flight there was my most memorable experience. I had to get 10 seats of course. And keep the air sickness bags pinned to the seats in front of each head. Just in case. And wear adult diapers. (My heads wouldn’t fit in those tiny airplane bathrooms ) But I could watch all the movies on the flight. At the same time! One of the privileges of having 10 heads. But I had to walk sideways down the aisles . I discovered all the good looking girls seemed to sit in the center aisle. One girl made eyes at me. But then I found out she was just looking for her glasses. I was never very good with girls. Finally we landed in New York.
Immigration was hell. The guy at the counter asked for 10 visas and 10
passports! And insisted on interviewing each head! I couldn’t convince him that one couldn’t be a terrorist if the other was’int. When the ordeal ended I went into New York City.
New York City! One cabbie almost drove onto the sidewalk looking at me! Everywhere I had to listen to funny oneliners like 'Hey do they call you the Talking Heads?’, ' I couldn’t hire you in my company. U would be too much Overheads!', 'Do they have Heads Crossing Signs where you live?’, 'When your in Love do u fall Heads over heels?!’. And sometimes they were actually funny.
That’s where I met Gita. Let me explain. Like I said before I was never very popular with girls. They were always afraid of me. One girl told me it was tough making eye contact! But still I liked girls. I had this strange dream where Im kissing 10 girls at once. I have never told anyone about that dream until now. But girls never liked me. Until……………………Gita.
She was my opponent. She lived in Bangalore too. I noticed she kept staring. At first I thought I was mistaken. Then after the Quiz she came to talk to me. And asked for my phone number! No girl had ever asked me for my phone number. She called that evening. We began to date. She always insisted on talking to each head when she phoned me. One minute for each. Head 3 always tried to talk longer. ( He thought she liked him more). Head 8 however refused to speak to Gita. I saw a problem developing.
You see Heads 3 and 8 were always a little smarter than the others. We all accepted that. But at one college festival during a debate I realized things were much more serious than I thought. It was no longer just an occasional disagreement. Then one day something happened that made me feel like my whole world was collapsing around me.....
I was participating in a debate. Head 3 was speaking for the motion. The
topic was `Did India need a 2 Party System?’ One of the debaters had heard about the difference of opinion between Heads 3 and 8. So he decided to take advantage. He addressed Head 8 instead of Head 3. ` What do you think Head 8’, he asked. Head 8 began to speak out of turn.! He spoke AGAINST the motion. I was supposed to speak FOR the motion! 'Freedom means no restrictions ', he said , 'If we limit the number of parties we are restricting freedom.'. He went on and on. We lost of course.
Two groups began to form. One for Head 3 and the other for Head 8. Head 3 liked Chinese. Head 8 liked Dosas. Head 3 liked Politics. Head 8 liked Ethics. Always opposites! But we were like a coalition government. We had to follow rules. We had to agree to disagree. Unless we were able to do that we would never be able to live together peacefully. Without consensus we were as good as dead. Things were spiralling downhill. Until one day Kumbakarna suggested a therapist he knew. For someone who sleeps most of the time he sure knows a lot of people.
The therapist said only the head she talked to was to reply. No
interruptions. And she then talked to each head. I could see what she was doing. She was establishing points of commonality. Making us see the common good. United we stand. Divided we fall. I talked and talked. How much I needed this. To get it all off my chest. I told her everything. I told her about my difficulty with girls. She smiled when I told her about Gita. She made notes as I talked. Then I began to talk about marriage and the disputes between the Heads. Suddenly all heads seemed to go crazy . They were all talking at once. My hands were out of control. I felt myself reaching for the paper cutter. Head 3 was trying to gouge out Head 8’s eyes! I couldn’t take this anymore. I ran out of the room.
I got into my car. It was a special car. The steering was in the middle. I
wasint allowed to drive over 60. I was driving way too fast. All the heads
were fighting. This was the end. But I didn’t care. If we couldn’t get along
we were going to die anyway. The speedometer was clocking 100. Then 120.
Suddenly a truck appeared out of nowhere. Last thing I remember I hit a
tree. Head on.
I woke up in the Hospital. The therapist was there. Kumbakarna was there. He squeezed my hand.
'Are u OK ?' , he asked.
' I followed you all the way’, the therapist said. 'I pulled u out of the
car just in time.'
All of a sudden it struck me. I couldn’t feel Heads 3 and 8.
'We had to disable them ', she said, ' There was no other way'.
' Go away' , I said hopelessly, ' Just go.'
Gita still kisses Heads 3 and 8 every night. She refuses to accept that they are gone. I don’t make as much money in call centers anymore. Ok Its just a little bit less. But Head 8 was so good with the British. We could have worked things out. They would have come around. Heads 3 and 8. They would have understood. They would have. I m sure. Oh how I miss the sweet sound of 'Bravo'..........
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